Then and Again
by Lillian James
Summary: Lily Evans is five years out of Hogwarts and a famous pop singer. She recieves news that she will be going on tour with a newly popular band, the name of which she doesn't know. But surprise awaits her...T for some language bad summary, yes...LJ
1. Dreams and Reality

**so i've tried to fix some things about this story cuz some of it was rather confusing without breaks. i didn't mean to do that, i'm just not good at working yet. but i'm gonna figure it out! so i hope it's clearer now...if it's not, i'm sorry, i'll try again tomorrow!**

Dreams and Reality

"_GOTCHA!"_

_Eleven year old Lily Evans squealed as the door to the closet opened and blinding white light pierced the pitch black atmosphere around her. A boy with shockingly untidy black hair grabbed her wrist and pulled her bodily out of her hiding place._

"_How did you find me?" Lily demanded of the boy as he stood proudly before her, a grin on his face and his nose in the air._

"_No time for that, I still have to find the others!" the boy said impatiently, his pompous air leaving him at once. "Come on, you can help."_

_He started off up the brightly lit corridor, lined with photographs and memories. Lily followed him, but only because he still had a hold on her wrist._

"_But, James, that's cheating!" Lily said, sounding highly affronted._

"_C'mon, Lils, just this once?" James pleaded, stopping and turning to face her, a pathetic puppy-dog look on his face. Lily surveyed him shrewdly for a moment. She opened her mouth, perfectly prepared to adamantly refuse when—_

"_I'll buy you that movie you've been begging for. You know the one…um…Titanic! That's it…I'll buy you Titanic!" James said sweetly, raising his eyebrows and dropping the pleading puppy-dog eyes. Lily considered him for a moment. She wanted to refuse—after all, it had been he who had caught her. But the thought of owning Titanic at last was more than welcoming._

"_Alright, fine! But just this once!" she said, and they shook hands, James grinning. "C'mon, let's go find 'em!"_

_They ran off down the corridor, checking every door as they went. Soon they were at the end of the hall and at a loss as to where their friends might be._

"_Have you checked downstairs?" Lily asked and James shook his head._

"_We're not supposed to go downstairs," he said. "It's against the rules."_

"_So is me helping you," Lily pointed out._

"_True," said James. "And it is Sirius and Jessica Black. They could be anywhere."_

_Lily nodded and they ran off down the stairs. Sirius wasn't at all hard to find. He seemed to have been sidetracked (as usual) by the presence of Oreos and Marshmallow Cream. Lily rolled her eyes at him while James just laughed._

"_You know, you really are bad at this game," she said huffily. "It's called Hide—and—Seek. Not Eat-up-and-let-everyone-else-waste-their-time!"_

_Sirius just shrugged, his mouth full of cookie and Marshmallow Cream. Lily grabbed James's arm and pulled him along out of the kitchen and into the Living Room where they encountered Lily's father reading the paper on the couch._

"_What are you kids up to?" he inquired as Lily and James began searching behind chairs, under couches, behind the television and even under the cushions. (Sirius had once hidden himself under the couch cushions and no one had found him for hours…even with people sitting on him.)_

"_Looking for Jessi," James said promptly as he dived underneath the Dining Room table in the next room. "You haven't seen her, have you?"_

"_No, I can't say that I have," Mr. Evans answered, concerned. "Has she run away?"_

_Lily laughed as she straightened up from underneath the couch._

"_No, dad, we're playing Hide-And-Seek," she said. "C'mon, James, I'll bet she's in the Den."_

* * *

_Lily yelled in triumph as her snowball hit him squarely on the nose. James fell over in shock, clearly not expecting her to have thrown something so perfectly. Wiping snow off his face, he stood back up and faced her with a malicious grin._

_Lily watched him warily and ducked behind Sirius for protection. Sirius, however, seemed to be on James's side for he pulled her out from behind him and held her there as a clear target. Lily squealed and giggled madly but he was too strong for her._

_James took his aim carefully, wound up, and threw the pearly white sphere spectacularly. It hit her right on the stomach and she doubled over, clutching it and laughing hard. Sirius fell down behind her as, apparently, Nadine threw a snowball at him._

"_Prongs, I think they're using magic!" Sirius groaned from the ground. "They've never been able to hit us this well before!"_

"_Yep!" came Remus's voice, loud and clear across the frosty air. "They've got their wands hidden up their sleeves."_

"_Hey!" This was Jessi's voice. Lily looked around. Remus seemed to be holding her wand just out of Jessi's reach with a smirk on his face._

"_I believe they deserve punishment," he said, still smirking. At these words, Lily got up quickly and scrambled away from Sirius who looked as if he had taken a liking to this idea and was eyeing her beadily. He shrugged as she backed away._

"_Doesn't matter," he said. "James is the only one who can really punish you anyways."_

_As these words registered the poor thirteen-year-old's brain, Lily looked around frantically, but James was ahead of her. He'd already gotten a hold of her arm and wasn't letting go. _

_Lily was giggling even before he started tickling. She squealed and squirmed and kicked and punched but she couldn't extricate herself from his grasp. His hands moved across her devilishly ticklish back and stomach before he let her go and she rolled away, wet with snow and gasping for air._

* * *

"_Lily, dear! Dinner's ready!"_

"_Be down in a minute!" Lily yelled down the stairs, frantically searching for a clean shirt. Finally, at the bottom of the suitcase, she found a brown tank top and shoved it hastily over her head, slammed her trunk and made her way quickly down the winding staircase._

"_Sorry Mrs. Potter," she said to Vikki Potter as she entered and took her seat next to James. "Couldn't find a decent shirt."_

"_That's quite alright, dear," Mrs. Potter replied, smiling sweetly. "No need to fuss."_

"_You coulda just come without the shirt," James murmured in her ear, smirking and Lily giggled, nudging him hard in the ribs._

"_You just woulda loved that, wouldn't you?" she asked and James grinned, leaning back in his own seat again as soup appeared on the table._

"_So, how has school been, kids?" Mr. Potter asked from the end of the table. "Sixth year treating you alright?"_

"_Sixth year is, though I'm not sure your son is," Lily replied pointedly._

"_Hey!" said James indignantly, dropping his soup spoon. Mr. and Mrs. Potter just chuckled while Lily patted James's shoulder sympathetically._

"_It's okay, Jamsie, they know I'm just kidding," she said, but James only continued to glare at her. "Oh, give it a rest, you big baby."_

"_You're evil," James said, still scowling and Lily laughed. "And don't call me Jamesie."_

"_I'm so sorry," she said sarcastically. "I'll try to be more of the angel I used to be."_

_James laughed at this._

"_Angel? You?" he asked skeptically and Lily smacked him, smiling._

"_You're lucky I like you, or I'd just have to hex you," she said._

"_Liking me's never stopped you before," James replied, eyebrows raised pointedly._

"_Kids these days are so mean to each other," Mrs. Potter remarked idly, dipping her spoon back into her soup. Lily and James laughed at this statement and went back to their own soup._

* * *

"_I…I'm sorry I never t-told you," Lily whispered, facing the ground and refusing to meet his eyes._

"_You had every right not to tell me," James said quietly. "But you should know," he took a step closer and, putting a hand underneath her chin, delicately forced her to look at him, "your father wasn't the only person that's loved you."_

_And with that, he pulled her into a gentle kiss, something which Lily had least expected but wanted more than anything. She was lost in this new feeling. All she knew were James's hands on her neck and lower back and the feeling of his mouth against hers. She kissed him back, moving her own lips steadily against his, her hands clinging to the collars of his shirt, pulling him closer and deeper into the kiss._

_When he pulled away he rested his forehead gently against hers._

"_See you in the morning?" he murmured and Lily nodded, holding back a smile as she bit her bottom lip nervously. "'Night," he whispered. He kissed her softly once more before turning and running quickly up the boys' staircase._

_Lily stood there for a minute, still biting her lip and trying not to squeal with excitement. She needed to gain complete control of her rampant emotions before she went upstairs lest any of the girls be awake enough to badger her._

Lily sat bolt upright in her bed, hands shaking and unshed tears already stored in her waking eyes. Wiping them away quickly, she stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom to start her shower. The only good thing about those dreams was the fact that they woke her up much more efficiently than her alarm clock did.

Wanting desperately to forget about her restless night, Lily forced her mind to think about how much work she had to do that day. Warming up her voice seemed like a good idea and singing would certainly take her mind off of hindering matters of no importance.

They had to get at least three songs recorded today or they would be completely behind schedule. And the WMA's (Wizarding Music Awards) were coming up soon. It was essential that they stay on schedule.

After singing three songs, her hair was clean and her body spotless. Climbing out of the shower, she finished her morning bathroom routine and proceeded to the kitchen to make herself breakfast. However, when she opened the cabinet that held her favourite cereal she found it missing from its rightful place.

"You know, you really should eat something a bit more nutritious than this," said a voice from behind her and Lily screamed, nearly jumping out of her skin.

"Damnit, Nadine!" she said breathlessly as she turned and spotted her best friend sitting lazily at her kitchen table and reading the back of the Trix cereal box quite indifferently. "How many times do I have to tell you not to do that!"

"At least one more," Nadine said, smiling sweetly and putting the box down. Lily glowered and, snatching the box off the table angrily, turned back around and heatedly began to prepare her breakfast.

"Why are you here anyways?" Lily asked much more rudely than she had intended. Nadine raised her eyebrows.

"A little harsh today, aren't we, Miss Evans?"

"Don't call me that," Lily snapped, placing her breakfast forcefully on the table and proceeding to plop down ungracefully into a chair. Nadine rolled her eyes.

"How come _I _can't call you that but the Prime Minister can?" she asked, though the answer to this question was so obvious Lily felt as if her IQ would drop if she answered it.

"You never answered my question," she said instead. "Why are you here?"

"Greg wants you there early. He needs to discuss something with you, I think. You have so many security measures on this place he wasn't exactly sure how to use Floo Powder so he just told me to come get you," Nadine replied and Lily groaned. "Lily, you know we have to get this done today or you'll never make it to the stores by the time the Award's roll around."

"I know, I know," Lily said grumpily. "But I mean, come on! Seven in the morning to ten at night? Even you have to admit…"

"Hey, I resent that," Nadine said, but without any real conviction as she picked up _The Daily Prophet_ that an owl had just dropped onto the table. She tossed it a Knut and it flew away gracefully. "You act like I work too much."

She shot Lily a grin and silence fell for a few moments giving Lily's thoughts and excuse to drift back to her nightmarish dreams. They clenched at her heart with and iron-like grip and she couldn't make them let her go no matter how hard she struggled. She'd learned to control the tears every time the dreams occurred, but every now and then, the memories wouldn't stop and she'd dissolve into sobs of anguish, guilt and heartbreak.

"You ready yet?" Nadine asked impatiently and Lily jumped, consumed by her own thoughts. "He wants us there at seven sharp."

"Yeah, yeah, I just gotta grab my purse," Lily said, rolling her eyes. She set her empty cereal bowl on the counter and ran to her room to snatch her purse off the bed.

"C'mon," she said irritably to Nadine as she reentered the kitchen, flipped off the lights and opened the door obligingly. Once outside the apartment building, they Apparated to the studio where they found Greg, June and Mike all waiting for her. June smiled and Mike nodded when she entered, but Greg looked extremely impatient.

"You know, it would be a lot easier for me to get in touch with you if you'd lift that security device over your fireplace," he said crossly. Lily rolled her eyes again and threw her purse on the table they were sitting at.

"Is there a reason I needed to be here so early?" she asked, crossing her arms and staring at her manager with raised eyebrows.

"Yes, we have things to discuss," Greg said, gesturing for her to have a seat. Nadine sat next to her and Greg conjured coffees for them. When all the cream and sugar had been added, Greg settled back in his seat, hands clasped behind his head.

"Now," he said, "the President of the record label, Mr. Fikes, has a…er…request. There's a new band that's just signed a contract to the label and they've already got the number one hit on seven stations in London. Now, Mr. Fikes wants you to—"

"Who are they?" Lily interrupted, idly stirring her coffee some more.

"Pardon?" Greg asked, clearly annoyed by her disruption.

"The band, what's their name?" Lily asked, looking up.

"I don't know, Fikes didn't tell me, but that's not the point!" Greg said, waving impatiently. Lily shrugged, wondering vaguely why he was so on edge. "The point, Lily, is that he wants you to go on tour with them."

Lily's spoon fell to the saucer with a clatter. The sound seemed to ring through her ears as if a giant bell had just been rung next to her head.

"But we don't even know who they are!" she protested. "For all we know, they could be some psychopathic druggies who only want my body! How am I supposed to go on tour with that? I'd be—"

"Yes, yes, we know Lily, you're perfectly right," Greg said tiredly. "I agree wholeheartedly. But Mr. Fikes thinks it would be the biggest prophet they would receive from any tour thus far."

"And you'll get to meet them first; we're not just going to send you out with complete stran—"

"Yes you are!" Lily said, half angry, half disbelieving. "Even if I meet them once, they'll still be complete and utter strangers! This is ridiculous, Greg! You tell Mr. Fikes I'm not doing it! I won't—!"

"You have to do it, Lily," June sighed, speaking for the first time. She looked as if she had resigned herself to doing something awful. She pulled out a white piece of paper. "Mr. Fikes already drew up a contract and sent it to us. He expects you to have it signed by Friday."

"He can't do that, June, he can't!" Lily said frantically, standing up suddenly and picking up the contract June had set in front of her. "It has to be against _my _contract, doesn't it? Doesn't it?"

Mike smiled sadly at her, shaking his head.

"Sorry, Lils, _your _contract pretty much says Mr. Fikes can let you go if you don't agree to this tour," he said apologetically.

Lily sank back down into her seat, completely disoriented and wishing regretfully that Greg had waited to tell her until _after _they had recorded for the day.

**thanks for reading! REVIEW and i'll love you for ever.**

**Lillian James**


	2. A Meeting of the Past

**Kay, so I totally forgot to do this on the last chapter and I really didn't feel like editing so here it is now.**

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except the people, places and things you _don't_ recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work._

_And Bobby's last name totally belongs to Sterphie._

**Kay…just to let you know, this chapter _will _be confusing. You won't get the full story and it'll just confuse you for a while. Just take that into consideration as you read. You'll get the full story later on. **

A Meeting of the Past

Lily untidily threw some clothes in a bag and slung it over her shoulder grumpily. She couldn't believe she had been forced into doing something so stupid. _It'll be a good learning experience, _they had told her with what they seemed to think was obvious reassurance, but it did not help Lily's bitter mood in the slightest.

"C'mon, Lily, we're going to be late!" came Nadine's voice from the Living Room. Lily rolled her eyes and hastily scanned the room for anything else she might have left.

"Alright, alright, I'm coming," she said moodily, hitching her bag higher on her shoulder and flipping the light switch off on her way out. "Come on, let's just get this over with," she muttered to her best friend as they made their way out of the apartment building.

"Stop acting like it's the end of your life, Lils," Nadine said, rolling her eyes. "It's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be."

Lily stared at her incredulously.

"You try going on tour with complete strangers and see how you like it!" she said huffily, angrily shoving her sunglasses on her face while Nadine laughed. "What?"

"I'm going, too, remember?" she said, smirking amusedly and Lily scowled.

"Yeah, but it's not the same and you know it!" she snapped. Nadine didn't reply, but only continued to smirk which only mad Lily angrier. She chose to ignore her friend at least until they got to the concert.

Once outside the apartment building they Apparated quickly to the nearest Starbucks. As they stood in line, Nadine began to ponder about the coming day's happenings.

"I wonder who they are," she mused thoughtfully and Lily tried her best to ignore the thoughtlessness of her friend. "Who knows, maybe they're complete hotties, Lily. That would be an adventure for sure."

Lily snorted and, despite herself, answered automatically.

"Yeah, maybe for you," she said. "But if you'll remember, Nadi, I've got a boyfriend."

"That doesn't mean you can't have a little fun on the side," said Nadine, nudging Lily playfully in the ribs. Lily nudged her back, her expression stern.

"Yes it does, you really think I'd screw around on a guy like Mitchell?" she asked. "You know how jealous he gets."

"Yeah, I do know," Nadine said, her brow furrowing. "So what's he gonna think when you're on tour with four unknown random guys? I'm sure he'd _love _that idea."

"Yeah, well I'm not sure I'm getting much out of it either, am I?" Lily asked shrewdly as she stepped up to the counter. "Yeah, Grande White Chocolate Mocha, please. Thanks, what'dya want Nadine?"

"Same, thanks," Nadine said before turning back to her friend. "Lils, you really need to start looking at this on a more positive scale. I mean, it's gonna get you a hell of a lot of publicity and you'll get to—hopefully—make friends in the process. Now that's not too bad is it? Not to mention the money."

Lily paid without responding and they moved to wait for their coffees patiently. Nadine seemed to be waiting for an answer and Lily shrugged with a stubbornly defiant look on her face.

"I'm not conceding to anything here, Nadi, I don't want to go and that's just how it's gonna stay," she said and Nadine sighed, but before she could answer their coffees arrived and they were off to meet up with Greg for the concert. Hopefully by the time they met up, Greg would know what the band's name was and they'd at least have an idea of who they were without having to walk in and see them for the first time up on a brightly lit stage.

Greg was waiting patiently for them outside the studio. He looked almost as anxious as Lily felt. He forced a smile when they Apparated and tried for a moment to act like he was ready, but gave up on this effort after failing miserably.

"Let's just go," he said, sighing dejectedly and motioning miserably with his hand. "You know the place, right? 6254 Princeton Road."

"Yeah, we got it, Greg, see you in about three seconds," Nadine said snappily. Lily figured her friend was just annoyed with their gloomy attitudes and decided it was best just to indulge her.

Ten seconds later found them all standing outside of one of the largest buildings Lily had ever seen, though it wasn't something that shocked her. She had performed there herself only a year ago. It was a rather amazing feat this band had accomplished; to play at Princeton Palace only three months after releasing their first album. She found herself impressed despite her efforts to despise this whole idea.

"Ready girls?" Greg asked, checking his reflection in a window that was set into the entrance.

"Yeah, just one thing," Lily said, pulling him back as he made to open the door. "Do we know who this band is yet?"

"Yes, actually, we do," said Greg, his brow furrowing as though he was straining to remember. "It starts with a 'J,' I know. Hmm…what is it, Jacob—no, Joseph, no, that can't be it…er…Jimmy! That's right, Jimmy Eat World, I think." **(A/N: Forgive me, my favourite band…and it just fits so well…you'll see.)**

Lily felt as though a bucket of ice-cold water had just been dumped down her throat and into her stomach. She looked quickly at Nadine whose eyes widened faster than Lily had ever seen them widen before. Their eyes met and they both stared at the other as though looking for some kind of sign telling them they'd heard wrong.

"J-Jimmy…Eat World?" Nadine spluttered after a moment. "Are you…are you sure that's who it is? I mean…couldn't it be…something else like…like perhaps…J-Jimmerson?"

Greg stared at her for a moment with a slightly worried look in his eyes as if he thought she might be a bit mad.

"Um, I'm quite positive it's not…Jimmerson," he said cautiously, hesitating slightly on the strange word. He checked his watch and did not notice the helplessly frightened look that Lily was sending her best friend.

"It…can't be that," she said, shaking her head furiously. "That's not…that's not possible, you know it can't be…them."

"It can't be who?" Greg asked, confused. When Lily and Nadine only continued to stare disbelievingly at each other, he sighed. "Look, if we don't go in now, we're going to be late." He opened the door and held it open, but neither of them moved. "Come on!"

He grabbed hold of Lily's arm and physically dragged her inside the Palace. Lily barely caught onto Nadine's wrist as she was pulled bodily toward what was soon to become the ultimate catastrophe.

Greg pulled them through endless corridors and countless doors, but Lily was completely oblivious to it all. It couldn't actually be…what chance was there of that? But it was too…real, too ironic that she had been having all these dreams lately and now she suddenly found herself in such a devastating situation. It was almost as if her dreams were mocking her, teasing her, looking for some kind of funny response.

They suddenly stopped and Lily was only dimly aware of her surroundings. They were standing in the middle of a long, brightly-lit corridor and Greg was talking to a man with long, dark hair and a genial smile while Lily and Nadine stood awkwardly in the background, both wondering what planet they'd been transported to. Suddenly, however, she was being introduced and was pulled forward and out of her daze.

"Lily Evans, this is Bobby Right, he's the band's manager," Greg announced, smiling between the two as they shook hands. Lily somehow managed to create her own small smile as she met the man's warm eyes.

"It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Right," she said automatically before stepping aside so Nadine could be seen. "This is my assistant, Nadine Forrester."

"Ah, nice to make you're acquaintance," Bobby Right said, shaking her hand as well. Nadine smiled and Lily vaguely wondered if her own smile looked as forced as Nadine's. "Please, call me Bobby."

"Well, down to business then," said Greg, clapping his hands and smiling around at them all. "Where's the b—?"

"We got started a bit late, I'm afraid," Bobby said apologetically. "It'll be at the _most _another half hour. I'm sorry if this inconveniences you in any way—"

"No, no, no, of course it doesn't," said Greg and Lily couldn't agree with him more. The longer they were stalled, the better. Maybe there was still time to get out of this dilemma. "In fact," continued Greg, turning to face her, "maybe we could go see the last part of the show then?"

Before Lily could protest, Bobby had assented wholeheartedly and she was being led toward the back stage entrance and what Lily was afraid would be her demise. The door opened and her ears were met with excruciatingly loud screaming and ear-blasting music roaring from the stage. There was a large transparent wall that separated the front stage from the back stage. Lily stopped dead as the door closed behind her.

There was no mistaking it, no denying it anymore.

The band was comprised of four people; four men to be exact. Lily had known these men four years ago. They had been her best friends at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. All except for one…the one who had been so much more than her best friend.

"I can see why they're so popular!" Greg yelled over the noise, breaking into Lily's thoughts. She suddenly realized there were tears swimming in her eyes. She looked around for Nadine who was staring at the stage with a wide, stunned expression.

The insufferable heat and the unbearably loud noise were pressing in all around Lily, threatening to steal her sanity. Her hands were sweating and her breathing was steadily becoming more rapid with each passing second.

"Something the matter, Miss Evans?" Bobby asked concernedly from beside her and Lily's eyes shot to his, bewildered. She wasn't exactly sure what was going on anymore. It was as if she'd entered a parallel universe.

"I just…I mean, we just…used to know…" she trailed off uncertainly, more tears threatening to overpower her. "I'm sorry, I just…I need to use the—the restroom."

Spinning on the spot, she grabbed Nadine's hand and dragged her out of the back stage area and out into the cool, quiet corridor behind them. The door closed with a snap and the sound from the concert was drowned out. Lily felt tears escaping her eyes as they triumphantly raced down her cheeks, each one leaving behind it a white stain on her perfectly made up face. She looked up at Nadine, her expression lost.

"What are the odds?" she whispered as though hoping Nadine would tell her it was all just a dream. "How c-could this…be? It's n-not possible, Nadi. It's just…not."

"Believe me, I know," her friend replied, laughing shakily. "Out of all the bands…."

She looked anxiously at Lily who was hastily wiping her eyes and successfully smearing her make up in the process. Moving forward, Nadine lifted her wand and cleared Lily's tears up easily.

"That's what this thing is for, sweetie," she said, obviously trying not to let her voice shake as much as it wanted to. "Here…let's fix your make up. I suppose we'll need to add a charm to it so it doesn't smudge away this time. It didn't occur to me before…didn't think we'd need to; but I suppose then we didn't know what we know—"

"Nadine!" Lily snapped after a moment but half the effect was lost as her voice remained choked and hoarse. Nadine stopped talking immediately and finished adding the final touches to Lily's new make up with a few pokes of her wand.

"Now," she said, suddenly business-like. "We're going to go back in there with our heads held high and no—"

"I don't need a pep talk, Nadine!" Lily snapped, completely on edge. She was now afraid that, if they did indeed make this tour work, then this was how she was going to be for the next year. "I need someone to shake me awake from this fucking dream!"

"Well, I could shake you, but I doubt it would do much good," Nadine said quietly and Lily scowled, finding she'd rather be angry all the time than crying ever five seconds. "Besides…my point is, even though your make up won't smudge now, that's no invitation for you to go bursting into tears every time you look at him, alright? I think he'll notice if your eyes fill with tears every time he talks to you—"

"Or doesn't talk to me," Lily muttered, staring down at the floor mentally slapping herself for the tears that built up once again in her eyes. "But I suppose it would be b-b-better that way…"

"Stop it!" Nadine snapped, smacking her hands forcefully in front of Lily's face and causing her to jump. "It was a long time ago, I'm sure he's over it."

"I'm sure he's not…" Lily whispered, the tears coursing down her face again.

"Don't be silly, of course he is! You really think he would—?"

"Nadine, you don't know the whole story," Lily said quietly. Nadine stopped mid-sentence, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"What do you mean I don't know the whole story? What else is there to know?"

"Well…I mean...well, it's like—," she cut off, searching hard for the right words. "James and I didn't…part well. What I mean is—"

"Well, neither did Sirius and I, but that's what normally happens after a break up, isn't it?" Nadine asked impatiently as though Lily was wasting her time.

"No, I mean, I never bro—"

But she broke off abruptly as the door beside them opened. Nadine quickly pointed her wand at Lily's face and caused the fresh tears to disappear as Bobby and Greg exited, laughing and talking excitedly. They stopped at the site of the two girls, Lily looking extremely depressed and in a state of aftershock and Nadine giving them a fake, cheery smile.

"Hi! Sorry if you were worried, we were just on our way back in!" the latter said happily, linking arms with the dead-looking Lily Evans and making for the door.

"Oh, no need, no need," said Bobby, smiling down at the pair. Lily felt like a student again and Bobby was the understanding teacher. "The concert just ended, the band should be out in just a few moments. I know they're excited to meet you."

Lily barely held back her tears at this statement and had to gasp to keep herself from sobbing. The others looked at her strangely, apparently afraid she was going mad.

"Lily, are you al—?" Greg started but Nadine cut him off hurriedly.

"So, where's the meeting to be?" she asked cheerfully, looking from Greg to Bobby expectantly. Greg continued to watch Lily anxiously for a moment before addressing the question.

"Er…down the hall, to your right; is that right, Bobby?"

"Yes, you all go ahead, I'll be along with the band when they're ready," he said kindly. Greg nodded and Nadine pulled Lily down the hallway after him.

"Lily, you're acting oddly," was the first thing out of her manager's mouth as they closed the door to the meeting room—a huge, circular beige-coloured room with no windows—behind them. Greg, who now seemed to be more relaxed than ever, was looking at her with a mixture of worry and annoyance on his face. "What's the matter? We need everything to go smoothly today for this to work."

Lily came to and gave a derisive snort at this illogicality. There was no way in Heaven or Hell that this was going to "go smoothly" as he so absurdly put it.

"Something tells me we're going to have a _big _problem 'making this work' then," she said cynically.

"Not with your attitude, we're not!" Greg snapped, suddenly on edge again.

"Look, I'm sorry!" said Lily, upset. "I'm just a little…panicky, I guess."

"Well, you'd better clear your head, and quickly," Greg said, eyes narrowed as he straightened his tie and combed back his hair again; Lily sometimes thought Greg was more of a girl than she was. "They'll be in here any—"

But he was cut off rather abruptly as, right on cue, the door to the room opened and in walked Bobby, closely followed by none other than the four people whom Lily had missed most from her Hogwarts years.

Lily held her breath, clutching Nadine's arm tightly, as Peter Pettigrew came in, followed closely by Remus Lupin. Next, however, in walked Sirius Black and the following few moments were a bit of a blur.

"Lily Flower!" he yelled gleefully and, rushing forward quickly, pulled her into the biggest, tightest bear hug she ever remembered receiving from him. Lily couldn't help giggling and hugged him back, completely oblivious to the fourth figure that entered the room.

"It's _so _good to see you!" she squealed, tears forming (yet again) in her barely dry eyes. "It's been so long!"

She pulled away and found herself next being pulled into the arms of Remus Lupin. She smiled and wrapped her arms happily around his neck. Sirius moved toward Nadine who gave him an awkward 'hello'. He embraced her as well, though maybe not as enthusiastically as he had Lily.

Remus pulled away and held her at arm's length, examining her closely.

"You look well," he said in his quiet way. "How are you?"

"I'm great, everything's been wonderful," she said, smiling. "What about you? Everything good?"

"Everything's wonderful, my dear!" Sirius answered for him, bounding up to join the conversation. "We've had _quite _and eventful year."

"Yeah," said Peter, coming to join as well with Nadine at his heels. "It's been a whirlwind of autographs—"

"Concerts, CD's—"

"—Money, women—"

"Very exciting stuff, talked to James yet?" Sirius suddenly threw in and before the smile on Lily's face had even been extinguished, he was pulling her towards the other end of the room where Bobby Right stood, introducing Greg Fitzgerald to James Potter.

"Oi! Prongs!" Sirius yelled and, before Lily could protest or tear her arm out of Sirius's grip, James turned around with an inquisitive look. His eyes traveled from his best friend to Lily and his expression became unreadable. Sirius and Lily made to the three men faster than Lily could say "Apparate" and she then found herself in the one situation she had wanted to avoid more than anything.

"You two aren't very friendly," Sirius said reproachfully as they approached. "You didn't even say hi to each other. How rude."

"Padfoot—" James began warningly, watching his best friend with a hard look in his eyes, but he was cut off by Greg.

"Lily, you didn't tell me you knew each other!" he exclaimed, laughing jovially. "I suppose you don't have to worry about being in an awkward situation anymore, then, eh?"

Lily shot a frightened look at James who was still glaring at a cheerfully smiling Sirius. Sirius perked up at Greg's question.

"Awkward situations?" he asked and he laughed heartily. "Oh, now what kind of awkward situations could _possibly _be between any of us? That's just silly."

"Padfoot!" James growled and Lily found herself staring fixedly at the ground. She could hear Nadine and the others talked excitedly from the other end of the room. She wanted dearly to join them, but Sirius still had a rather strong grip on her arm.

"Sirius Black, by the way," Sirius continued, ignoring James and extending a hand out to Greg who shook it with a smile. "Nice to meet you."

"You as well," said Greg, nodding.

"Would you like to meet the rest of the band? I'm sure they'd be happy to make your acquaintance," Sirius said, gesturing towards Peter and Remus.

"That'd be great, thank you," said Greg and as Sirius turned around, he released Lily's arm, making it quite clear he wanted her stay there and talk to James. Lily prayed that Bobby wouldn't go and, for the first time that day, something went right. She didn't look up, however, until he addressed her.

"So, how long have you guys known each other then?" he asked, looking expectantly from Lily to James. Lily felt sick.

"We…we knew each other at…at Hogwarts, but—"

"Lily and I have known each other since we were born," James cut in, his voice brisk and even. Lily bit her lip. "Sirius as well. We met Remus, Peter and Nadine at Hogwarts."

"And you haven't seen each other in…how long exactly?"

"Four years, I think," James said. "Is that right, Lily?"

Lily jumped as he addressed her and her eyes shot to his. It was odd hearing her name coming from his lips again after so long. She was dimly surprised he wasn't referring to her as Evans. He was watching her with an inquisitive expression and Lily remembered he'd asked her a question.

"Yes…yes, f-four years," she stuttered, horrified as she felt that oh-so-familiar lump in her throat.

"Ah, so it's been quite a while, then, eh?" Bobby asked, smiling and Lily nodded, acutely uncomfortable under both his and James's stare.

"Maybe we should—" she began, intending to say that they should rejoin the others, but was cut off by a shot from across the room.

"Bobby!"

It was Sirius. Lily felt her stomach tighten, sure he was going to cause some sort of diversion to she would be forced to spend a moment with James alone.

"Bobby, c'mere a minute; Greg's got a question I can't answer!" he yelled and Lily felt her heart jump into her throat. This was not good.

"Excuse me, will you?" Bobby said apologetically and he swiftly brushed past Lily, leaving her standing lost and frightened with the prospect of the conversation she never wanted to have looming in front of her eyes in the form of a tall, dark, devilishly handsome James Potter.

**Kay, so that's that. Questions, comments, reviews are all welcome. As I told you, you did not get the full story in this chapter, and for that I am sorry. You will find out soon enough, however, how things happened.**

**And sorry that it's not the best chapter. I thought it started off pretty well, but it kinda got choppy. And I would have edited it, but I kept you waiting too long…so I figured I'd just put it up now. **

**love love.**

**Lillian James**


	3. Futures

**Okie-day, I'm back! Hope you enjoy. You'll get some more of the background story in this one.**

**Btw, I'm totally changing the title of this. Cuz I don't like it. Any ideas? I dunno if anyone can come up with any cuz you don't really know the whole story yet…but if you have any as of yet…lemme know.**

**Check it, the title of this chapter is a Jimmy Eat World song. Okay, and I gotta let you know, this story is like _present day _Lily and James. So they'll be wearing today's clothes and listening to today's bands.**

**Oh, and I'm changing the name of Lily's boyfriend. He's not in this chapter, but I'm changing it from Mitcell to Jarred whenever he reappears. Just watch for it.**

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except the people, places and things you _don't_ recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work._

Futures

It was worse than Lily had imagined. An iron fist clenched her heart as she stared avidly at the ground, hands clasped tightly together in front of her. She showed all the signs of someone who was in a desperate situation.

She could feel his eyes on the top of her head but didn't dare look up for fear she'd find anger swirling madly in his eyes…or even worse—sadness.

"Hi, Lily," he said quietly and Lily's eyes fluttered closed for a moment while she gathered her thoughts. She lifted her head slowly and shakily met his hazel eyes with her own emerald ones.

"Hi," she said weakly and James allowed the smallest of smiles to crease his face.

"You seem tense," he said, voice still beautifully quiet. Lily found his unfaltering gaze impossible to compete with. She let her eyes dart around the room, finding random inanimate objects and occasionally flitting back to his face.

"I am," she said truthfully but feebly. "Aren't you?"

"Quite," he said. "I'm just better at hiding it."

Lily didn't exactly know how to respond to this and instead forced her eyes to focus on his own for more than a few seconds, something which took quite a lot of nerve.

"So how've you been?" he asked when she didn't reply. His voice was carefully casual as though he were skirting warily around a subject he didn't want to discuss.

"Al—alright, I suppose," she said unevenly. "And yourself?"

James shrugged indifferently.

"Depends on how you look at it, I guess," he said. The response was confusing to the bewildered Lily who wasn't exactly sure how to reply.

"Oh," was all she managed before a loud silence fell between them, punctured only by the talk and joyous laughter coming from the other end of the room. The atmospheres were so different from one side of the room to the other it felt like the two parties were worlds apart.

Lily shifted nervously from one foot to the other, very aware of James's eyes still studying her as if he was sizing her up. Despite her nervousness, however, she was pretty much ready for anything he was going to throw out at her; insults, angry words, profanity…everything except—

"I've missed you."

His voice was soft, delicate and hesitant. Lily didn't even remember commanding her eyes to shoot up and meet his, but regretted it only seconds after. His usually bright hazel eyes were filled to the brim with pain and despair and his voice held the slightest trace of regret. Lily felt her own eyes fill slowly and steadily with tears once more. She tore them away from his face, afraid to let him see her cry.

"I…I thought you'd be a-angry," she stuttered, tripping over her words as she held back the traitorous drops. James let out a bitter laugh.

"Oh, don't worry, I won't disappoint you there," he said, but his voice still sounded shaky. "I just don't think this is really the…the time for shouting." He paused for a moment and Lily looked up again and this time it was he who looked away. "I just thought I'd tell you that I…I missed you, regardless of how…how bitter or angry I was."

"Oh," said Lily again. She could feel a sharp pain in her chest as the words processed her mind. She searched frantically for a clever response, something to make him laugh, maybe, or feel better. But all that came out was, "I…I've missed you too."

Now it was James's turn to subconsciously let his eyes bounce to meet hers. His expression was open, but unreadable; his eyes were faintly wider than normal and his mouth was open the slightest the bit as though he had not been expecting this.

It wasn't until James opened his mouth to respond when Lily realized that she'd been staring involuntarily into his handsome face. She looked away, afraid of what he was going to say next…but she was never to find out.

"James!" someone yelled excitedly.

It was Nadine. She was running over to meet them on the other side of the room, arms open wide as though she was expecting a hug. James received her, a well-developed grin on his face. Lily was impressed that he could make himself look as excited as he did when he greeted Nadine.

"It's been _so long!_" Nadine squealed, embracing him fiercely before pulling away to stud his face anxiously. "How are you? Doing well? You look skinny, are you—?"

"And _you _sound like my mother," James replied, rolling his eyes, but smiling good-naturedly. Nadine smiled mischievously.

"Just want to make sure you're alright," she said. "You looked a bit…under the weather when you first came in. And seriously, you're dead skinny. Isn't he, Lily?" she suddenly shot at Lily who had been fiddling nervously with the sleeves of her robes. She looked up, surprised.

"Um…yes, I…er…I suppose," she said uncertainly. She got the impression Nadine was just trying to make her join in the conversation…or maybe Lily was just being paranoid.

"How are you, anyways?" James asked, changing the subject and turning back to Nadine, smiling. Lily couldn't tell if he was faking it or if he really was as happy as he seemed.

"I've been—_we've _been great," Nadine replied, correcting herself mid-sentence and, pulling Lily closer to her, she linked their arms, smiling happily. "We've been having quite an adventure the past two years."

"Yeah, I, um, I've read about you guys everywhere," James said. "You went on tour to…er…was it South America?"

"Nah, South Africa," said Nadine simply. "It was pretty great. But you're too sweet. You've never read about me, you've read about Lily!"

"Ah, yes, but you _were _in some of the pictures," James said pointedly.

Something suddenly occurred to Lily and she wondered why she hadn't thought of it before. She'd been all over headlines and in newspapers and magazines for two years now. Why hadn't James simply scanned for her address and tracked her down? It would have been too easy. Then again…maybe he had decided he never wanted to see her again. The thought tore at Lily's mind; she wanted dearly to _at least _leave the room since becoming somebody else was entirely out of the question.

"Lily, come on, we have to—Lily?"

Nadine's voice processed Lily's racing brain slowly and she jumped when Nadine gently tugged on her arm, which was still interlocked with her friend's.

"Wh-what?" she stuttered, crashing back into the present.

"We're starting," Nadine said gently and they followed James who had already left them and was making for the large, black table in the middle of the room.

"Starting what?" Lily muttered numbly.

"The meeting, sweetie," Nadine said patiently.

"Oh," said Lily. It seemed that was the only word she could say without difficulty that day.

"Come, Flower, have a seat next to dear ol' Snuffles," said Sirius and, though he tried to smile, all that came out was a grimace. Lily couldn't hold back her giggle. "Snuffles" was an old nickname she'd given him in fifth year when James had cursed Sirius's nose to run continuously; it had taken them three days to find the counter-jinx.

"Aw, I can't believe you just called yourself Snuffles!" Lily said, sitting down next to him obligingly. Nadine sat on her other side, avoiding Sirius's handsome chocolate-coloured eyes. Sirius scowled, but looked pleased with himself all the same.

"I only did it so you'd smile," he said. "And you did, so I accomplished my mission."

He paused and, leaning forward slightly, studied her still-grinning face for a moment. Lily shifted somewhat uneasily under his constant gaze. Sirius sometimes gave people the uncomfortable impression that he could read every thought that went through their minds. And sometimes, Lily thought he really could, for now his eyes flicked from her to James—who was lounging comfortably in a chair and avoiding everybody's eyes—and back again.

"How'd that go?" Sirius asked and, though he didn't say it, Lily knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Awkwardly, thanks to you," she said coldly. Sirius grinned.

"No need to thank me, I was happy to do it," he said, bowing as well as he could while sitting. Lily glared, folding her arms moodily across her chest. "Aw, don't look at me like that, Flower, it had to happen at some point, didn't it? Better it be where he can't yell at you, eh?"

"I suppose," said Lily grudgingly, voice still dripping with resent.

"Alright, everyone, let's get this show on the road…no pun intended," Bobby said as he stood up to address them all. Sirius was still grinning, rather pleased with himself, as he leaned back in his seat and slowly tore his eyes from Lily's face. They flickered uncertainly over Nadine for a moment before his attention was directed fully on Bobby.

Lily turned grumpily to face him as well, arms still crossed indignantly across her chest. She didn't even try to listen for the first half of the meeting, which was simply Greg and Bobby going over the rules of the contract page by page. She conjured up a piece of paper and a pen and pretended to be taking notes while she really just doodled pointless things like hearts, stars and smiley faces. It was only when they began discussion of the actual traveling part that she perked up.

"Now," said Greg seriously. "We need to decide how we're going to get everywhere. Is everybody okay with Apparating to all the hotels and inns we'll be staying at? Or does anyone have any objections?"

"Nah, get on with it," said James impatiently. "We're all fine with Apparition; we've done it for years. Where all are we going is the real question?"

"Ahh, so _that's _what you're all so anxious about," Bobby said. "Right, well, out with it I suppose." He paused and shuffled through some papers before straightening up again and holding it up to the blaring artificial light. "Alright, first stop," he squinted at the page, "Paris. Second stop, Zermatt; third stop, Rome; fourth stop, Venice; fifth stop, Berlin and after that, we'll be heading to America to tour six states."

"Holy shit, that's a long trip!" Sirius exclaimed while Lily and Nadine gasped, staring at each other in awe. Lily momentarily forgot how horrible of a situation she was in. The idea of this tour was too mind-blowing to leave any room in her head for other thoughts.

"Yes, it will take _at least_ seven months," Greg said. "Possibly longer, depending on…certain variables."

"When are we leaving?" Peter asked excitedly. "Soon, I expect."

"Oh, right away, Mr. Pettigrew, right away," Greg said. "No later than tomorrow I would assume. I'll have a word with Mr. Fikes and we'll be out. No questions asked."

"Tomorrow? Jesus, that is soon," Lily muttered to Nadine. "How am I supposed to be ready in time?"

"Don't worry, Miss Evans," said Bobby, making Lily jump. "Your things are already packed."

"What do you—how?" Lily asked, astonished.

"It's a simple spell, Miss Evans. I thought it would make everyone's lives easier if I just spared you the time and energy," Bobby said, smiling happily. "So you're free to do whatever you wish tonight."

"Wow," said Remus, looking stunned. "Whatever we want? You don't care how late we stay up?"

"You'll be working pretty damn hard the next few months, I suggest you have your fun tonight," Bobby said. He smiled. "Besides, I'm not worried. You just played a damn hard concert to a rough crowd. You'll be conked in no time, I'm sure."

"But for now, _I'm_ going off to bed," Greg said, yawning. "See you in the morning, Lily, boys."

The guys all nodded to him as he left the room. Bobby followed him not too long after and left a ringing silence in his wake. No one said anything for a moment; everyone except for Lily and James was looking around in shock at the others. Lily kept her eyes fixed on the table and James kept his fixed on his hands.

"So!" said Remus suddenly, rising slowly from his seat. "Who's up for a drink?"

"I'm in," said James immediately, standing up and stretching his back; it cracked loudly and Lily winced, hating the sound.

"Yeah, me as well," said Sirius and he and Peter both stood up together. Sirius looked pointedly at Lily.

"Alright, Lils, how long has it been since you had a drink?" he asked, grinning. Lily shook her head.

"No, I'm tired, I haven't slept much—"

"No, excuses, Flower, you're coming," Sirius cut her off, taking her arm and pulling her bodily out of the chair. Lily noticed with intense irritation that the only way she got anywhere these days was when someone dragged her there.

"Sirius, I can't, I don't need—"

"Just come on, Lily, we wanna catch up," Remus said, coming to stand by Sirius and looking at Lily with puppy dog eyes. James was leaning casually against the wall by the door, waiting patiently with his arms crossed and his eyes on Lily's face. Lily's eyes flickered between him and the other two. She opened her mouth to say something but—

"Don't worry, I won't bite," James said quietly and Lily's eyes unwillingly shot to his for the second time that day.

"See?" said Sirius, beginning to pull her to the door. Remus, the gentleman that he was, offered his arm politely to Nadine who accepted graciously. "He's too tired to get all worked up right now."

Lily's eyes never left James's as she let Sirius drag her to the door. James obligingly opened it for them and it was only as she left the room that she tore her gaze away, something that was becoming increasingly harder to do.

* * *

Loud, somewhat drunken laughter rang throughout the Leaky Cauldron as the six friends reminisced and joked about things from their Hogwarts days. Lily could hardly even take another sip of her Firewhiskey she was laughing so hard and Peter had the burning drink coming gracefully out his nose. He squealed and giggled, grabbing madly for a napkin.

"James, James, James, remember when you…when you…haha…when you cursed all the silverware in the Great Hall to…to, haha, to attack S-Snape when he came in?" Laughter roared around the table at this memory, which might not have been quite as funny minus the drinks. James choked on his mead and spluttered with laughter.

"It took them _twelve fucking hours _to figure out…how to g-get them off!" he stuttered, coughing and laughing at the same time. "Oh, man, was he p-pissed!"

"Man, we pulled some pretty funny ones back then," Sirius said as everyone calmed down a bit and silence was partially restored. Peter's nose was still running because of the Firewhiskey. "Remember when we cursed Professor Slughorn so he'd fall every three steps? Haha, that one was amazing. He'd just…pace around his dungeon carefully and then—BOOM! He'd go crashing to the…to the floor!" Sirius paused and doubled over in laughter for a moment as the others rolled in their seats, clutching their aching stomachs. "He couldn't…for the life of him figure out…what had happened!"

"God, st-stop, I can't breathe!" Lily gasped, giggling madly.

"Well, we'll just have to get you another Firewhiskey then, eh?" Remus prompted loudly, banging the table and motioning for Tom to bring another drink.

"No, really, I don't—_hic_—need another—_hic_—one," Lily said, hiccupping softly every so often. "I should be—_hic_—going."

"No, come on!" Sirius whined, pulling her down as she tried wobbly to stand up. "Just one more…please?"

"Fine, fine, fine!" Lily said, giggling again. She plopped back down in her seat and took her Firewhiskey from Tom happily. "What shall we drink to then, boys?"

No one answered for a moment. Then—

"To Futures," James said suddenly and Lily's fuzzy mind vaguely processed that she had again, against her will, lifted her eyes up to meet his.

"Oi!" Sirius said loudly in agreement, banging the table and standing up. He lifted his glass high in the air. "To Futures!" he yelled and the rest of them stood up, too.

"To Futures!" they said in unison and, even as their glasses clinked and they downed their drinks, Lily's eyes were fixed on James's.

**Okie-day, we're done with another one. Please enjoy. Questions, comments and concerns? REVIEW!**

**Lillian James**


	4. Of Tearful Confrontations

**Kay, so I know this one took a while and I'm very very sorry for those of you who were actually waiting…which I'm sure isn't many. But anyways, I've been way busy, too many tests to take, too much homework and choir every other night…crazy stuff. So now I'm finally done and I hope you enjoy. I'm not really sure about part of this one, but…eh, that's up to you to decide when you REVIEW!**

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except the people, places and things you _don't_ recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work._

**Of Tearful Confrontations**

"You WHAT?"

Nadine's voice rang out loud and clear throughout the almost deserted hotel lobby. Lily winced at the sound before glaring at her friend menacingly.

"Nadine, shut up!" she said angrily. "Do you want _everyone _to hear us?"

"Oh, don't be such a baby, there's hardly anyone in here!" Nadine snapped, taking Lily's arm and dragging her toward the elevators. She stopped directly in front of them and, pressing the button with more force than was necessary, she turned back to Lily, her expression livid.

"What the _hell _do you mean, you never broke up with him?" she questioned furiously. Lily groaned in frustration.

"What do you think I mean, Nadi?" she asked impatiently. "I mean, I never broke up with him! Why can't you comprehend that?"

The elevator doors opened they stepped inside, Nadine once again pressing the appropriate button a little too energetically. Lily heard it crack slightly underneath Nadine's demanding finger.

"Of course I comprehend it, Lily!" she began heatedly. "I just can't _force _myself to believe it! I mean, it's so…so unfathomable, so unlike you, so incredibly _awful_—"

"I get the point, Nadine!" Lily snapped through gritted teeth. Nadine opened her mouth angrily, a rather haughty look in her eyes, but before she could speak, her expression changed drastically. The fury melted off of her face and was replaced instantly by horror.

But…but this means he—he doesn't…he thought you_ loved _him, Lily!" she said faintly, eyes wide. "And then you just…up and went."

The elevator doors opened and they stepped out, Nadine still staring dimly in front of her.

"I never _ever_ told him I loved him, Nadine!" Lily whispered furiously, glancing around to make sure no one was within earshot as they set off down the long corridor toward their room. "Never!"

"But you never told him you didn't either," Nadine replied vaguely, that open and astonished look still covering her features. She looked as though she was ready to faint. Lily decided it was best to just ignore this simple fact and get on with it.

"The point it," she pressed, still whispering in case one of the infamous Marauders suddenly appeared around a corner, "I'm in deep shit here. And I don't know how to get out of it." She paused, hoping Nadine would say something encouraging here, but to no avail. She continued, picking her words carefully. "I don't know what to do or…or how to act anymore, Nadi. I can't perform under these conditions."

Nadine still didn't respond, but her brow had knitted together suspiciously as though she expected something fishy was going on. When she continued to be silent, Lily continued.

"So…do you think maybe you could just kinda, you know…" she hesitated for a moment, "talk to him...maybe?"

"No!" Nadine snapped immediately, voice angrily disbelieving. "I can't _believe _you'd even _ask_ me that, Lily!"

"Why?" Lily whined, knowing full-well that she was acting like a child, but that was how she felt. It was as though she was a five year whose mother was refusing to solve her problems for her. "_Please_, Nadine, just—?"

"Drop it, Lily," Nadine said sharply as they finally reached their room. Lily opened her mouth stubbornly, but Nadine cut her off, turning to face her, the key halfway into the door. "Look, Lily, this is not my problem. I'm not going to solve it for you; nobody is. So you have to deal with it. I don't care how, I don't care when, but you're on your own."

And with that, she turned, pulled the key back out of the door and stepped inside, leaving a stunned and silent Lily standing in the corridor as the door snapped shut.

* * *

Lily wished desperately for a way to unnoticeably cover her eyes and ears. It would appear rude if she were to clamp her eyes shut and press her hands over her ears while the band practiced right in front of her. But she couldn't take it. His voice was too beautiful…it always had been.

It had been three days since they had arrived in Paris and two days since Lily's confrontation with Nadine. Afterwards, Nadine had simply acted as though nothing had even happened, something which greatly annoyed Lily. Whenever she tried to bring it up, Nadine would find some excuse to drag someone else into the conversation, preferably Sirius or James. That way, Lily would have no choice but to succumb to regular topics such as sports, music and movies.

Now Lily sat back in her seat while the band before her performed marvelously. They had been good five years ago, but now they were simply phenomenal...something which really didn't help Lily's view on matters. The fact that James's voice alone was still enough to make her feel lightheaded pulled at her stomach and heart.

"Well, I think we're about ready for tomorrow!" said Greg, clapping his hands and rubbing them together enthusiastically. Lily noticed dimly that the band had stopped playing and she tore her eyes away from James's face.

Sirius put his guitar down and bounded happily off the stage, his face somewhat sweaty. He put an arm each around Nadine and Lily as they slowly stood up.

"So…how'd we do, Ladies?" he asked. "And be honest!"

"Amazing!" Nadine said immediately. "Freaking incredible, you're so much better than you used to be!"

"I'm not sure if that's a compliment, but thanks all the same!" Sirius said, looking slightly confused. "Lilykins?"

"You were…you were amazing, Sirius, really," she said, smiling up at him. Sirius grinned.

"You weren't so bad yourself," he said with a wink and Lily laughed.

"Go take a shower, you oaf!" she said, pushing him away playfully.

Sirius bowed rather exuberantly and walked away towards the back of the stage. Lily turned to Nadine and found her smiling rather girlishly. Lily felt her eyes narrowing.

"Nadine, don't you dare!" she said warningly, although she couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice. "_You _broke up with _him_, remember?"

"So?" Nadine countered quickly, the grin disappearing from her face, but she didn't look angry. "That doesn't mean I can't get back together with—"

"Lily!"

Remus was walking across the stage, smiling jovially. Lily and Nadine both granted him quick, one-armed hugs as he reached them. He also looked rather tired and sweaty. Lily subconsciously found herself looking around for James but he was nowhere in sight.

"You were amazing, Lily!" Remus said cheerily and Lily smiled, abandoning her search for James.

"Thanks, Remmy, you were quite spectacular as well," Lily said and giggled as Remus scowled. He'd always hated the nickname.

"I supposed you'll be joining us for dinner tonight?" he asked pointedly as they followed Sirius through the backstage entrance and into the dimly lit room beyond. Nadine linked arms with Lily and listened happily to the conversation, apparently still lost in her thoughts of Sirius and his boyish charm.

"I don't think I have a choice," Lily said, pretending to sound exasperated. Remus grinned.

"No, I don't suppose you do," he replied. "Same goes for you, Nadi!"

"What?" Nadine looked completely lost as her eyes came to focus on Remus who simply laughed and held the door leading to the dressing rooms open for her.

* * *

Lily leaned back against the frame of her bed and, for the first time in days, felt at ease in the silent solitude of the empty hotel room. Nadine was down in the lobby getting coffee and Lily had just closed her tired and swollen eyes when there was a very unwelcome knock on the door. She wouldn't know just _how_ unwelcome until she actually answered it, however.

Groaning in frustration, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up, straightening her clothes as she went. As she looked through the peephole her stomach lurched uncomfortably. James was standing there, alone, eyes averted and expression tense. What did he want?

Lily took a deep breath and slowly unlatched and opened the door. Lily half expected it to creak ominously on its hinges, but it was silent as it swung open.

"James!" she said, voice artificially surprised, and James looked up, eyes landing on hers. He seemed rather calm, although his jaw still appeared to be clenched. Lily found it hard to form her question. "Er…what are you doing…here?"

James shrugged.

"I figured, since dinner's at eight and everything, we have a couple of hours. This is a good opportunity for us to…talk," he said, hesitating slightly on the last word. Lily felt her heart jump into her throat and she suddenly felt sick.

"Oh..." was all she could manage without clearing her throat vigorously. "Umm…o-okay," she stuttered after a moment. She looked around into her room. "Er…did you want to…talk in here or—?"

"Yes, in here would be best, I think," said James, and Lily was forced to jump aside as he walked right into the room without another word. The open door slipped through her hand and slammed shut, jolting Lily out of her nervous distraction. She turned quickly and followed him into the living room part of the hotel suite, complete with comfortable couches, a mini bar, a television and a warm, crackling fireplace.

James sat down on one of the chairs that resided in front of the magnificent fireplace and leaned back, seemingly at ease.

"Do you need a…a thirsty—I mean, a drink?" Lily stuttered, mentally slapping herself for sounding so stupid. She was too busy dwelling on the conversation she was about to endure to really concentrate on what she was saying. James seemed to smile ever-so-slightly.

"No, thanks, I'm fine," he said and his voice was quietly amused as though he was trying to hide it.

Lily was tempted to run to the mini bar and chug as many tiny bottles of Smirnoff as she could. That would, at least, make the conversation a little easier to bear. Deciding that this would not be the best idea, however, she moved instead towards the chair opposite James's. It was very warm by the fire and Lily found she couldn't make herself relax as she sat rigidly on the edge of her seat, the heat burning her face. And to make matters worse, James was just sitting there, his soft eyes observing her unflinchingly. He didn't say anything for a moment and Lily found the silence more unnerving than anything.

"So…how've you been?" he finally asked after a moment and Lily looked up into his beautiful hazel eyes and found the fire dancing merrily in them as if taunting her.

"Didn't we already…go through that?" she asked quietly and James smiled, shifting slightly in his seat but never letting his gaze leave her face.

"Yes, but I find it's the easiest way to begin," he replied.

"Oh…oh, okay," said Lily anxiously, looking down at her hands as she twisted them nervously in her lap. "Er…I've been pretty…pretty good, actually. It's been really busy, I guess, but…other than that, we've been having…fun." She paused, but James didn't respond. "Er…how about you? You been doing…doing well, I hope?"

"I'm still alive at least," James shrugged and Lily looked up, not sure whether he was joking or not, but his eyes weren't giving anything away. They were just as empty and unreadable as ever. "I've been…okay," he continued after a moment and he looked away at last with a concentrated expression on his face as though he were searching for the right answer on a test. "Thanks to Padfoot and the guys I'm okay, I think."

Lily didn't know what this answer meant and decided it was best not to question him further. She waited with baited breath for him to say something.

"I'm sorry to barge in on you like this," he said suddenly and his eyes flicked swiftly back to her own. He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "I feel I should have given you some sort of warning, but I thought it'd be for the best to…get this out of the way."

"Oh, of…of course," Lily agreed, nodding vigorously, though wishing silently that he _had_ given her some kind of notice beforehand. Then maybe she could have had time to gather her thoughts and emotions.

"So," he said, leaning back again in his seat. Lily wondered where he had learned to make himself appear so calm in such a stressed situation. "How're Jenni and Sara?"

Lily looked up quickly. She had expected him to begin questioning and berating her so this unexpected approach was rather startling.

"Um…well, I'm not sure, actually," she answered honestly. "The last time we saw them, Sara was, er, working as a waitress and Jenni was with the Ministry, I think. But that was, maybe, two years ago, so…"

"Ahh, so it's just been you and Nadine, then," James said, nodding. Lily assumed this wasn't a question, though it was rather difficult to tell. "Well," he continued after a moment of silence, "I don't exactly know where to go from here, so I'll just…well—where did you disappear to after school?"

Lily was rather taken aback by the bluntness of the question and it took her a moment to come up with an answer.

"Well, I—I stayed with my mum for a little while, as you…as you know," she stuttered, not meeting his eyes and feeling her stomach clench painfully. "And then I decided I wanted to pursue my, er, singing, so I…left home and went looking for the right agent. Nadine stayed with me and we traveled around England for a while until we found Greg. And now…here we are."

She chanced a look up when he didn't respond immediately and found him staring somewhere just near her feet, the slightest crease between his brows and one hand up near his mouth as though he were biting his nails, but his mouth was closed.

"So…" he began slowly, "what did you—I mean, is there any particular reason that you—why?" he finished, his voice holding the slightest trace of desperation now as he looked up again, his eyes burning into hers. Lily needed no further expansion of this question to understand it. With a jolt, she felt tears stinging the corners of her eyes and she tore them away from his.

"I…I…I don't know, I just—"

"Don't say that," James cut her off, his voice quiet but suddenly hard. "You do know, don't pretend like it's a mystery to you."

"James, I…I couldn't—I was afraid, I—"

"Afraid of what, Lily?" James asked, voice still calm but demanding.

"I—everything happened so fast, James," Lily pleaded, wiping away the single tear that slid easily down her smooth cheek and hoping he hadn't noticed. "I mean…one minute we were—we were best friends and the next, you're…you're kissing me and I—"

"You didn't seem to mind at the time," James said loudly, cutting her off. Lily choked on her words, still refusing to meet his challenging eyes. "Quite the contrary, actually; I seem to remember you kissing me back."

"Yes, I…I'm not saying I didn't w-want you to. It was just—after that, everything moved too…too quickly; I got s-scared," Lily said shakily and she was all too aware that her tears were starting to take their effect as her voice shook and stuttered.

James seemed to notice this too for he sighed and said quietly, "Lily, please—don't. I didn't come here trying to make you cry, I just…I can't help—"

"I know," Lily cut him off, wiping her face furiously on her sleeve and finally looking up into his soft, pained eyes. "I…I understand. You're angry and I r-respect that so…don't worry about m-my stupid inability to keep my eyes d-dry for even a second."

This got a small smile out of him. What made Lily want to cry the most was the fact that, after all she'd done to him, he was still worrying about upsetting her. It wasn't fair to him….He wasn't supposed to be that…sweet.

There was silence for a moment, then—

"You said you were scared," he said quietly and Lily nodded, looking down again as he looked up at her with a pleading expression. "Then why didn't you come talk to me?" he asked desperately. "We could have…we could have worked it out, we could have talked about it…just…why?"

"It was—it was just…easier that way, and—"

"Easier for whom, Lily?" James asked, voice suddenly loud again and Lily winced. "It sure as _hell_ wasn't easy for me! Was it easy for you?" She didn't answer but continued twisting her hands together so violently that her knuckles were white. "Was it?" he said, more loudly this time and Lily could almost feel him shift angrily in his seat.

"N-no, but I thought it would b-be…" Lily mumbled, tears still coursing gently down her cheeks. James didn't respond and Lily looked up at him, hands till clenched painfully in her lap. He was watching her with his head resting in one of his hands, supported by his elbow on the arm of the chair, so that his face was tilted sideways. His expression was soft and defeated.

"I'm s-sorry, James," Lily said quietly and James looked away, closing his eyes and running a distressed hand through his hair. After a few silent moments he stood. Lily wiped her eyes quickly and stood as well, though didn't fully meet his eyes.

"I should go," he said. His voice was detached, somehow void of emotion. Lily swallowed hard. "I know how you girls are…always taking hours to get ready."

Lily smiled ever-so-slightly and James made his way out of the living room and into the main entrance. He paused at the doorway, his hand on the knob and turned back to face Lily who'd followed him silently.

"Did you love me?" he asked and Lily's breath caught in her throat. She stared adamantly at the ground, unable to speak. When she'd finally gained the courage to look up again, however, he was gone and the door was swinging shut behind him.

**Kay kay! Hope you enjoyed. I think this is my favourite chapter so far. However, things are going to get interesting in the next chapter, I'll tell ya. And sorry again for the wait.**

**Love.**

**Lillian James**


	5. When Pictures Fall to Pieces

**Oookay, so I know it took me ages to get this chapter up and I'm really sorry. I should have written it over Christmas break, but I got caught up in things (pointless things, I might add). that doesn't really help my case, does it? Eh…oh well. Anyways…I hope this chapter is worth the wait. If it's not, I'm sorry.**

**And thanks a bunch for all of the reviews, you guys are basically awesome. Keep 'em coming!**

**By the way…the first little three paragraphs of this chapter suck. You might as well ignore them.**

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except the people, places and things you _don't_ recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work._

**When Pictures Fall to Pieces**

After the eventful and rowdy concert in Paris, the six friends had set off for Zermatt, located in the high, misty mountains of Switzerland. Zermatt was one of Lily's favourite places in the world; without the disturbance of having to sit and listen to the sounds of cars honking and screeching out on the pavement (for cars were unable to make it up the mountains to Zermatt), she could sit out on the balcony of the hotel room and write easily.

Well…easily enough. There were still the constant flashes of her recent conversation with a certain dark-haired boy that played over and over in her mind like a recurring dream.

They hadn't spoken since. At least not directly. There were always the circumstances where Lily couldn't avoid being near him, such as the dinner they'd had that same night in Paris. That had turned out to be a horrid affair; she'd been on the verge of tears half the night and numb with either shock or hopelessness the rest of it. She had not, to say the least, been very entertaining company.

Unfortunately, things were about to get much worse…if that was even possible.

* * *

Lily sighed as she settled back into a comfortable rocking chair out on the balcony and propped her feet up on the railing before her. She was still trying to sink in to this new peaceful luxury—as opposed to the bustling cities of London and Paris—when Nadine walked out onto the lavish balcony and carelessly threw a magazine on Lily's lap.

"What's this?" Lily asked warily. "Not another horrid picture of me, is it? You know I don't like those."

Although she'd been living this publicized life for two years now, Lily was never quite ready to see her heavily made-up face staring up at her from the cover of a popular magazine or newspaper. Seeing a reflection of herself under fluorescent lights with a pound of make-up on was bad enough. There was no reason to further her humiliation by taking note of the fact that thousands of people were going to see the same thing.

"No, it's just a stupid magazine I picked up; you looked bored," Nadine shrugged and Lily cautiously picked the magazine up. It was her natural instinct to stay away from them as much as she could, and she didn't believe for a second that Nadine could _possibly_ be telling the truth.

Luckily, there was nothing on the front cover, for which she was grateful. She hated walking through a grocery store and seeing her face winking up at her from the front of _People_ magazine. It was an uncomfortable feeling, especially when the person next to her began repeatedly looking back and forth between the face on the magazine and the face next to them.

She flipped through the first few pages as Nadine sat down next to her with the same magazine in hand. Lily, glancing at her, noticed that she was reading rather intently, her eyes shooting quickly back and forth across the page.

"Nadine, why would you tell me this magazine has nothing to do with me when, clearly, it does?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows skeptically. Nadine looked up, startled.

"It doesn't have anything to do with you," she said, bewildered. "Why would you think—?"

"Well, what are you reading so fervently, then?" Lily cut her off, confused. She had been sure this whole ordeal was about her. Nadine held the pages she was reading up for Lily to see. Lily blinked several times, sure she was imagining it. "Nadine…you are _not_ reading that."

The first page was completely covered with a giant picture of Sirius Black and James Potter, leaning against each other, back-to-back. They each had one foot up, pressed against the wall in front of them; they portrayed the essence of 'cool'.

On the other page was the beginning of an article titled _101 Things Every Girl Should Know About James Potter and Sirius Black! _Lily found the beginnings of hysterical laughter starting to sneak its way up her body. Nadine looked indignant.

"Don't mock me! You're reading it too!" she said haughtily and Lily was thrown from her laughter.

"I am not!" she said reproachfully. "I wouldn't read that garbage!"

"You're holding the same magazine as I am!" Nadine chimed in a sing-song voice. Lily started laughing again, wondering if her friend had gone mad.

"Nadine, you _threw_ this magazine into my _lap!_" she said, half-amused, half-disbelieving. Nadine turned from her and straightened her own magazine only to peer at it once more.

"Excuses, excuses," she muttered, shaking her head.

Lily stared at her friend for a moment, trying to decide if she'd always been this insane or not. She decided the re-entrance of the Marauders back into their lives had created this new, crazier side of Nadine. They always seemed to bring out the weirder side of life.

Lily smiled as her mind wandered aimlessly into the past, to the day before her sixteenth birthday.

_Lily stood in a daze as three boys went running past her, giggling madly. She spun around to watch Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew sprint down the hallway; apparently they were running away from someone. Lily turned back around; where was James? He was always in on their pranks._

_The answer came in the form of a disheveled and seething young man with jet-black, messy hair and glaring hazel eyes. Lily snorted and bit her lip, trying not to laugh madly as he approached. He was soaking wet from head to toe and there was something sticky and brown stuck in various places along his body; on his shirt, in his hair, covering his feet. He stopped in front of her and a foul stench swept into Lily's nostrils._

"_Go ahead, Evans…laugh all you want," he said grumpily. "How would _you_ like it if someone blew up all the toilets while you were using the bathroom?"_

_Lily immediately gagged and stepped back from him, realizing at once what the brown substance must be. She waved her hand at him as if to waft the smell away while the other hand held her nostrils firmly together._

"_That's disgusting!" she said, her voice squashed and nasally. James threw his head back and laughed rather manically._

"_You think so, do you?" he asked after a moment. "If I recall correctly, Miss Evans, a moment ago you were standing here laughing at me."_

"_I wasn't laughing!" Lily said indignantly. "I was _almost_ laughing. There's a difference."_

"_Oh, is there?" James questioned. He took a step forward, a malicious grin growing on his face. Lily watched him warily, afraid she knew exactly what he was thinking. "You know, Lily…I think that's a lie. But that's okay. Because I'm willing to forgive you for that. But only if you'll apologize."_

_Lily took a step back as he continued to walk forward, that frightening grin still shining through the grime on his face. This wasn't going to be good._

"_What do you mean—?" she had started, but James cut her off._

"_Let's have a hug and be done with it!" he said, opening his arms wide. Lily squealed and dropped her books in her hurried attempt to scurry away. Unfortunately, James had been quite prepared for her escape attempt and had lunged before she'd even begun to turn around. He caught her arm and pulled her, shrieking, into his tight embrace._

_Although it was possibly the most disgusting thing he'd ever done to her (including when he'd turned the water in the girls' showers to spaghetti sauce), she couldn't help giggling as she struggled helplessly in his arms. She turned so her back was pressed up against his chest and tried to squirm out of the horrible and smelly hug she'd been captured in. She kicked out with her feet and James, his own feet slipping on the water that had gathered beneath them, fell hard onto his back, bringing Lily with him._

_Lily rolled over, off of James, and collapsed onto the sopping wet floor, laughing hysterically. Occasionally, her laugh would turn into a hacking gag as she caught a whiff of the brown substance that now covered her as well._

"_Oh my god, I'm _never_—going to—forgive you," she gasped, now crouching on her hands and knees. James was still lying on his back, laughing hard. Lily turned her head and met his gleeful eyes with a scowl, albeit a friendly one._

"_Oh, my Petals," he said, slowly regaining his composure. "You'll find it in your heart to let it go one of these days."_

"_Don't count on it," Lily said darkly. James laughed and opened his mouth to reply when a sudden yowl interrupted them. Lily and James both looked up to find Mrs. Norris watching them, her glowing eyes taking in the scene before her with an expression uncannily close to disgust covering her features. James looked back at Lily._

"_I think we'd best get out of here, eh?" he said, standing up slowly as Mrs. Norris slinked away again._

"_Well…if I had _my_ way I'd leave you here to rot and go put myself in the shower," Lily said, taking his offered hand and standing. She sighed. "But…if you _must_ come, then I suppose I can deal."_

"_Yeah, and we can even take a shower together!" James grinned, and Lily smacked him upside the head. Gathering her books, they set off quickly down the corridor, James massaging his head contemptuously._

Lily laughed out loud at the memory and Nadine looked up, eyes inquisitive. Lily sighed and leaned back in her chair.

"Don't ask," she said happily.

* * *

"Ooh, you think _that's _weird? Listen to this," Remus said jovially as they all sat around the dinner table, discussing the strange antics they were all accustomed to. "Every morning when I get up, I work out for exactly thirty-seven minutes; no joke. I never go under; I never go over…always thirty-seven."

"Remus, my dear friend," Sirius said in a mock-consoling voice; he reached across the table and patted Remus kindly on the arm. "That's what we call obsessive-compulsive disorder."

Remus pushed his hand away, scowling, and Lily laughed happily. She'd forgotten how dearly she missed these people. Sirius looked at her, his eyes accusing.

"You haven't told us anything odd about you yet, Evans," he said, his voice cold, though Lily knew he was only playing. "Come on, then…spit it out!"

"Well, if you _really_ want some OCD, I've got it for you," Lily said and Nadine smiled knowingly. Lily nudged her. "Every time I'm listening to the radio or watching television, the volume can only be on certain numbers."

When she didn't continue, James raised his eyebrows and Sirius, Remus and Peter exchanged confused glances. Nadine only shook her head, a small smile still pulling silently at her lips.

"And the numbers are…?" James asked, leaning forward slightly. Lily grinned.

"Well, glad you asked," she said. She took a sip of her drink and leaned back in her seat. "Say I'm watching television; the volume (on a normal day) is going to be somewhere in between sixty and seventy. The only numbers on which it may reside are sixty, sixty-three, sixty-five, sixty-seven and seventy."

Everyone stared for a moment, their eyes wide with what appeared to be a mixture of disbelief and worry (possibly for her sanity). Lily giggled and Sirius broke the stunned silence with a whistle.

"Ookay, Remus, you're off the hook," he said, leaning back and folding his arms across his chest; his eyes were shrewd as they examined Lily. "Ever thought about getting that checked out? Maybe you really are insane."

"Shut up, you," Lily said, throwing her napkin at him. She watched as the frail napkin floated inches from his face and landed on the half-empty dinner plate in front of him.

"I don't believe I shall ever recover from such a devastating blow!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically, placing the back of his hand upon his forehead and looking away from the napkin in a swooning way. Someone apparently kicked him from underneath the table; Lily had a slight suspicion it was James for he was shaking his head and rolling his eyes as his friend dived underneath the table to massage his throbbing shin.

"Anyways," said Peter as Sirius reemerged, scowling at James. Lily laughed; they were still very much teenagers. "Did you know that humans and dolphins are the only two species that experience sexual pleasure?"

If Peter had expected this to break the silence, he had made a terrible mistake. Everyone mutely stared at him for a moment, their eyebrows raised in a way that suggested they thought he might be mad. After a moment, Nadine cleared her throat.

"Well…with all that said and done—" she started, but Remus cut her off.

"Did you know that there are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world?" he asked, and Lily could tell this was going to get interesting.

"Did you know that ninety-nine percent of the pumpkins sold in the United States are sold simply for decoration?" Sirius stated matter-of-factly.

"All bonobo chimpanzees are bisexual!" Nadine said suddenly. This was quickly turning into a contest the likes of which Lily had never seen.

"The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' depicts two women under one roof," Lily said, deciding this was going to be fun.

"Formicophilia is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals—!"

"How in _God's name_ do you know _that_—?"

"More people have seen David Copperfield perform live than any other performer in the world—!"

"New Zealand is the first country to allow women to vote—!"

"The chances of your dying on the way to get your lottery tickets are greater than your chances of winning—!"

"Well, _that's _optimism—!"

"You can find out how 'tall' your head is by dividing your height by eight—!"

"Turkeys can reproduce without having sex—!"

"_TIME_ Magazine's "Man of the Year" in 1938 was Adolf Hitler—!"

"Each year, more than 50,000 people are injured by jewelry in the U.S.—!"

"Most lipstick contains fish scales—!"

"Eww, that's just disgust—!"

"A kangaroo cannot jump if its tail is off the ground—!"

"It's illegal to say 'Arkansas' wrong while actually in Arkansas—!"

"Where the hell is Arkansas—?"

"The first toilet being flushed in a motion picture was in the movie _Psycho_—!"

"The biggest—wait, really?" Lily cut off, staring at James surprised. "The first toilet to be flushed in a movie was in—?"

"_Psycho_, yeah," James said, nodding and grinning. "And one out of every three penguins is gay."

"Haha, yeah right, Prongs," Sirius said disbelievingly. "And I'm Queen Elizabeth."

"God, I should hope you're not," Remus said, looking aghast. "Our country would go to the dogs…no pun intended."

Sirius stared.

"There's also the fact that I'd be a woman…" he said, eyebrows raised.

"Wait, you're a _man_?" Remus peered at him closely, eyes shrewd. "I don't believe you; prove it!"

"If you _insist_," Sirius said, sighing. He stood up and reached for his belt buckle. Before Lily could register what was happening he was yanking his pants down. What was worse…his boxers were coming with them to reveal—

Lily squealed and buried her burning face in her hands. She heard Nadine giggling madly beside her, almost to the point that she couldn't breathe. There was a loud commotion going on around them.

"Padfoot, what the hell—?"

"Pull your God damn pants up you wanker!"

"Not until Remus admits I'm a man!"

"Alright alright, you're a man, you're a man, just—God, you're _blinding_ me here! Put your damn pants on!"

"The only thing that's 'blinding' you is my great manliness—!"

"PULL YOUR PANTS UP!"

There was a whooshing sort of sound followed by a quick _zip_. Lily slowly peeked through her fingers, checking to make sure it was safe. When she found Sirius had once again returned to his seat, she lowered her hands. Next to her, Nadine was still being attacked by waves of laughter.

"Look what you did to Lily; she's red as a tomato!" Remus said, gesturing across from him at the awkwardly silent redhead.

"Nah, she's just in shock, aren't you, Lilykins?" Sirius replied indifferently.

"In shock of what?" Lily asked. She realized only a second too late that this was not something she should have asked.

"In shock of how big I—!"

"_Padfoot!"_ Remus, Peter and James all growled at once and Sirius winked happily at Lily. Lily groaned and shook her head.

"You, my friend, are a pervert," she said.

"And that's why you love me," came the sweet reply. James grinned.

"And that's why we love you," he confirmed.

* * *

It was six hours before the concert and everyone was bustling around, preparing the stage, setting the lights, getting the microphones ready for use. Lily found the hazy, crazy atmosphere too much and silently stole outside for a break.

The fresh air felt like compared to the smoky, sweaty interior of the performance hall. She'd barely slept the night before, and her body was paying her back for the abuse; her arms and legs ached with tiredness and her eyes drooped constantly. She was afraid that anyone walking by on the street would think she was high.

A sudden craving for chewing gum embraced her and she plunged a hand into her purse, searching blindly for the package. Her hand circled tightly around something smooth and much too large for a chewing gum package. She pulled it out slowly and found it was the magazine that Nadine had thrown into her lap. She stared blankly at it for a moment, trying to remember when she'd even put it in there.

Slowly, she opened it and turned hesitantly to the article Nadine had been reading only two days before. Her eyes roved first over the picture of the two attractive young men, both with uncannily identical smirks darkening their features.

After a moment, her gaze moved past the picture to the beginning of the list. She was quite hesitant to read it, afraid that their may be something pertaining to her in there; then she wondered if she was simply paranoid.

The first few "things every girl should know" simply stated factual things about their physical appearances. After reading through about seven of these, Lily looked up and glanced around uneasily; she was too ashamed of actually reading the article that she wasn't about to let anyone catch her in the act.

The next twenty or so told about their favourite foods, drinks, movies, books. After that came (and Lily's stomach took a plunge at the title of this section) information about past love lives.

Sirius's, of course, was quite predictable, though even Lily found it rather far-fetched.

_28) Sirius Black claims to have dated more than one-hundred girls in school._

_29) Sirius Black has never had a 'serious' relationship with a girl._

Although Sirius had been quite the catch back at Hogwarts, he hadn't dated _nearly_ one-hundred girls. The thought almost made Lily laugh out loud. And it certainly wasn't true that he'd never had a serious relationship; Nadine was still living proof of that.

Hesitantly, Lily looked back down at the magazine, hoping she would find something along the same lines written about James. She was, however, rather taken aback by the forwardness of the words, however flawed they were.

_30) James Potter claims to have been in love when he was seventeen with a girl he'd known only a month._

_31) James Potter's heart was broken when said girl left him for Sirius Black._

Lily was just beginning to wonder how anyone could believe they had the right to print this type of thing when the door behind her opened with a creak. Lily spun around, the magazine still open in her hands. For a brief moment, she was utterly confused, wondering if he had simply stepped out of the magazine. She shook her head hard.

"James?" she asked and his bright eyes swiveled to meet hers. Lily might have imagined it, but she thought she saw a sudden warmth swirl into his hazel eyes as they landed on her.

"Hey," he said, gently closing the door behind him. "What're you doing out here?"

"Oh, just…reading," Lily said and, without thinking, she held up the magazine in her hands. James stepped forward, peering at it. For a moment he simply stared; then, slowly, a sly grin began to dominate his flawless face. Lily felt a red-hotness crawling quickly and silently up her neck and illuminating her cheeks.

"Oh, I see," James said, standing up straight again and examining her with amusement. "Doing your homework, are you?"

"Shut up," Lily muttered, quickly closing the magazine. "It's not like I actually _bought_ it, I just…Nadine gave it to me."

"And yet…you're reading it, aren't you?" James asked, smirking.

"No!" Lily said defiantly. "I was just, er, _perusing_ is all."

"Oh, _perusing_!" James said, nodding knowingly. "Yes, yes, I can see the difference clearly."

There was an easy amusement about him as he watched her out of the corners of his dancing eyes. Lily found she couldn't stay angry or indignant, not with him gazing at her in such an attractive way. A smile slowly grew on her (still rather red) face and she giggled quietly.

"Alright, fine, I was reading it," she said resignedly and James's apparent enjoyment increased.

"And did you find everything in it to be, well…accurate?" he asked, meeting her eyes squarely now.

"I must say, it was quite factual," Lily said, nodding fervently. "They certainly captured your inner being with this exquisite article."

"Yes, yes," James concurred seriously. "Especially the part about the time I spent twenty-five-thousand pounds on swimming trunks."

"Yeah, how did those work out for you?" Lily asked, finding it harder and harder to keep a straight face. "Comfortable?"

"You know, I've only worn them once," James said, eyebrows knitted together. "And let me tell you, I don't think I ever want to feel that…_prickly_…again."

Lily snorted.

"Charming," she said brightly and James dropped the façade with a grin.

"You think so?" he asked humorously. He shrugged. "I wonder if anyone would ever _actually_ spend twenty-five-thousand pounds on a swimsuit." He paused and glanced at Lily. "Well…besides you, of course."

"Hey!" Lily said indignantly, hitting him lightly on the arm with the now rolled up magazine. "I'm not _that_ high-maintenance, thank you!"

"You're welcome," James said with an elegant bow. Lily laughed.

"You are such a smartass, you know that?" she asked, smiling. James straightened up and winked.

"I do try, ma'am," he said charmingly, and Lily was strongly reminded of an obnoxious cowboy from those old Muggle western movies.

James sighed and looked at his watch.

"The guys are probably looking for me," he said. He looked at Lily. "See you in there?"

Lily couldn't help smiling.

"Yeah, I'll just be a few more minutes," she said, and James nodded deliberately.

"Oh, yes, I'll let you finish your reading."

And before Lily could retort, he'd opened the door and was gone. Lily turned around and leaned against the brick wall of the building, a small smile pulling at her lips. Maybe this picture wasn't as shattered as she'd thought it was.

* * *

"Okay, so…have you guys ever noticed that—when it's cold outside—people insist on shouting it to the world?"

James's completely random question was quite sudden and unexpected. Lily lowered her drink, watching him amusedly. James looked around, waiting for an answer; Lily couldn't help noticing that his eyes lingered over hers for only a second too long.

"What do you mean?" Peter asked, confused.

"I mean," said James impatiently, "that whenever people go outside in the fall or winter they scream 'GOD, IT'S COLD!' as if we don't already know that…"

"Do I _want_ to know what brought this to your mind?" Remus asked, looking wary.

"I was thinking about cold showers," James replied happily and Remus cringed.

They were sitting in a fancy, crowded restaurant, waiting for their order to be taken. The concert had gone perfectly (yet again) and they were taking some time to celebrate. Lily listened thoughtfully to the conversation going on around while trying to decide between chicken parmesan and chicken fettuccini alfredo.

"You know, he's right," Sirius said, nodding in agreement with James. "I wonder why that is."

"Maybe it makes you warmer," Nadine chipped in.

"Yes, but is that something everyone would know or do people's bodies just tell them to do it naturally?" James countered. Lily felt Nadine shrug next to her and she looked up from her menu.

"I don't think you're going to find the answer to this one, James," she said, neatly folding her menu on the table in front of her. James looked crestfallen.

"But there has to be an answer," he said adamantly, forcing Lily to imagine a small child looking for the last piece of a puzzle.

She couldn't help laughing at his childish antics and, as the subject was dropped, she watched him for a few minutes more as he conversed and laughed with the others. She was glad that he was able to be on good terms with her. She knew she didn't deserve it, knew she wasn't worthy even of a glance from him.

Unfortunately, this happy feeling only lasted about five minutes.

It seemed, that every time things started to go well for Lily Evans, life intervened. In this case, her picture perfect moment was torn to pieces by a shout from across the restaurant.

"Lily!"

Lily recognized the voice immediately and felt as if a stone had just been dropped into her stomach. She sat rigidly in her chair, her eyes fixed on James. Nadine spun around, also having acknowledged who the speaker must be. The Marauders were all peering curiously across the room, their eyes following the man who must have been walking rather quickly because, not a moment later, he was standing at the table, directly behind Lily.

"Surprise, Lils!" Jarrett Makin whispered gently in her ear. When she didn't move for another second Nadine nudged her hard in the ribs. Lily jumped up and turned quickly around to face him. He leaned in, but she spoke before he could kiss her.

"Jarrett, what're you doing _here_? In…Switzerland?" she asked, trying to sound pleased. She could feel James's eyes on the back of her head.

"Thought I'd drop in and see the concert!" Jarrett replied. "You were wonderful—are you alright, you look…flustered."

"No, I'm…I'm alright…"

"Well, aren't you going to introduce us?" asked a voice from behind her and she spun around to see Sirius watching her inquisitively. Before she could respond to his question, however, Jarrett stuck out his hand.

"Jarrett Makin, very nice to meet you," he said, grinning and Sirius stood up to firmly shake the offered hand.

"Sirius Black," Sirius smiled.

Remus and Peter stood up as well, benign smiles on their faces as they shook the hand of the newcomer. James slowly got to his feet as well, though his own smile didn't shine like his friends' did.

"And, er, who exactly are you?" James asked as politely as he could.

"Oh, didn't Lily tell you?" Jarrett looked surprised; Lily panicked, but before she could intervene, he said it: "Lily and I've been seeing each other for a little over a year now. Can't believe she didn't mention—"

Jarrett's voice trailed off in Lily's mind as she watched the charmingly polite expression on James's face melt into an open, unreadable void. His blank eyes moved slowly from Jarrett to Lily who met his gaze with silent pleading. After a moment, he looked away again and sank back down into his chair as though he was going to be sick.

"Well," said Sirius quickly, noticing the mounting tension between his two friends. "Care to join us, Jarrett? We were just getting ready to order—"

"Excuse me—"

James stood up abruptly and walked swiftly toward the exit of the restaurant. Everyone's eyes followed his trail until he'd disappeared through the swinging double doors.

**Okay, so I know it took me a long time to get this chapter up. I'm sorry. It kinda drags on, I know, but I think it's a fun one. Anyways…**

**Question: does anyone have any desire to have a chapter in James's point of view every once in a while? Cuz, I dunno…I kinda wanna write one, but I don't wanna basically ruin the story.**

**Well, I shall try to get the next chapter up quicker than this one.**

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Love**

**Lillian James**


	6. Bullshit and the New Guy

**Wow…last chapter reviews were amazing, seriously. I got like eight on the first day (yeah, that doesn't sound like too many), which for me is quite an improvement from the last chapters.**

**Let me address a few things:**

Demon's Moon: Ouch. Poor Jamesie. Loved the "Did-You-Know" Game. How DID you know those? They're kinda weird. O.o Ah well. Update soon please!

**Haha, I will confess my little secret, although it may just ruin me forever. I had the most random urge to look up random facts and then decided it would be awesome in a story. There's this quite amazing website that I found via Google (a.k.a. the savior of my life!). However, I will tell you the two that I actually did know myself. 1) humans and dolphins are the only species that experience sexual pleasure. 2) the first toilet ever to be flushed in a movie was in _Psycho_. And I could say I knew that every one out of three penguins is gay…but that's not true (at least not to my actual knowledge).**

**I love penguins.**

**And llamas.**

lily and james xoxo ** I'm so quoting you in this chapter. Just cuz you called him a "sodding wanker" I'm using it cuz I thought it was hilarious.**

Petroleumjellydotone: as for your question: i don't know about others but i usually prefer to read it from james' perspective or just a narrators point of view i only usually read lily's point of view if it is insanely good story. (like yours)

**Thought I'd tell you, that made me happy. So congratulations on making me smile. Sorry, this was a really long introduction. I'll get on with it.**

**By the way, this chapter _is _in James's point of view. After it's done, tell me how you like it and maybe I'll do more like that.**

**Love.**

**Bullshit and the New Guy**

The abrupt reintroduction of Lily Evans into his life had been something of a shock to James Potter's muddled, dejected mind. However hard he tried to fight them, old feelings were resurfacing. They squashed his anger like a bug, which made him feel sick. He wasn't supposed to care about her anymore; he was supposed to hold his own against her infectious smile.

He'd tried over and over again to convince himself these feelings were purely physical, that they held no emotional attachment. He'd been quite wrong. This had become evident with the entrance of Jarrett Makin.

"I don't care, I don't care, I _don't_ care!" he had muttered to himself as he leaned against the dirty brick wall of the restaurant he had so rudely left. He ran his shaking hands through his already messy hair and pulled hard, eyes shut tight. "I have absolutely _no damn reason_ to be jealous, I don't care."

He hadn't rejoined the dinner party that night. He had thought Sirius might come after him but was disappointed. Sirius and the others remained firmly inside the building, and James was left to wander back to the hotel by himself.

With no idea how he was supposed to confront the others, he'd shut himself into his hotel room for the rest of the night.

It had been two days since the incident and they had relocated to Rome. Since moving from one place to another involved merely Apparition, James had only to interact with Sirius who dropped by his room to deliver a book James had left in the lobby. Neither of them spoke of what had happened the night before.

Now, as James sad moodily in his elegant Roman suite, he was disgusted with himself. When had he become such a coward? He'd faced Lily with perfect audacity on the first day they'd been assigned this idiotic project; now he couldn't even find the will to meet _anyone's_ eyes.

To make matters worse, Remus brought some unwanted news to James's attention late that afternoon. James had eaten a hurried lunch with Peter and returned quickly to his room where Remus found him brooding.

"Well, at least you knocked," James muttered sarcastically when Remus entered unannounced.

"Thought I'd drop by and see if you were still alive," Remus answered cheerily, closing the door behind him and joining James in front of the large fire that seemed to encompass the entire room. "Wormtail said you were, but I don't think he could tell a blanket apart from spaghetti." Remus's brow crinkled in slight confusion. "That was an odd analogy, wasn't it?"

"Quite," James agreed, nodding. "But to answer your…well, your sorta question…I am alive."

"Well, you're definitely _breathing_," Remus acknowledged, looking over James's lazy and tired form with a scrutinizing gaze. "And you're talking. And I suppose if you _tried_ you could get up and leave the room. So I suppose you can't exactly be dead."

"Did all of that really need to be said aloud?" James asked, amused. "Or were you just trying to make me feel bad for cooping myself up in my room?"

Remus grinned.

"Ah, caught me, did you?" he asked happily.

"As mysterious as you are, Moony, you're not very hard to read," James responded casually. Remus just shrugged.

"I never really perfected the, er, prankster's poker face, if you will," he replied. "That was always your's and Padfoot's expertise."

"No, no, no, Moony, you've got it all wrong," James said, sitting up and shaking his head. "Getting away with stuff isn't about the expression you're wearing. It's about the questions you're asked and the answers you give. _That's_ what you never perfected. But, in you're defense, you were a much better pupil than Wormtail. I don't think he ever understood the concept of _lying_ to stay out of trouble."

Remus laughed.

"Yeah, he did always seem to admit to his guilt," he said with a grin. "Like that time he 'accidentally' bewitched the sinks in the boys' bathrooms to emit flesh-eating slugs instead of water. Man, Amos Diggory basically got his finger bitten off."

James laughed fondly at the memory; he'd never particularly liked Amos Diggory and watching him run down the corridors screaming wasn't something he would forget easily.

"Anyways," said Remus, his expression suddenly serious. "Anything you wanna talk about before I drag you outta here?"

"Excuse me?" James asked, snapping back into the present. Remus sighed, exasperated.

"Now was that really such a hard question to understand?" he asked tiredly, and James scowled.

"Who says you're dragging me out of here?" he challenged contemptuously.

"Er…everyone, I think," Remus replied. "Except for perhaps Jarrett, but that's just because he doesn't actually know you yet and you were a bit rude back at—"

"Jarrett? Jarrett Makin?" James repeated, looking up at Remus as if making sure he'd heard right. He suddenly found he was sitting straighter in his chair, his shoulders tense. "That sodding wanker's still here?"

"Oi! You don't even _know_ him, Prongs," Remus said defensively. "For your information, he's quite a nice fellow. He was really afraid he'd upset you the other night, you know. Kept asking what he'd done."

"Well…serves him right," said James, nodding decisively. He leaned back again in his seat, crossing his arms resolutely. Remus opened his mouth in indignation, but James continued, fully aware that he was acting like a child. "It was quite rude of him to interrupt us like that, you know. You don't just _barge in_ on people while they're eating."

"Prongs, he's Lily's _boyfriend_, he just came to see—"

"Well, it's not like he couldn't have waited another hour to talk to her!" James said angrily.

"Oh, and you would have been okay with it then?" Remus asked skeptically. James hesitated for only a moment before answering determinedly.

"Yeah, I think so!"

Remus just rolled his eyes and turned away.

"Come on, get outta your pajamas," he said. "Everyone's down in the lobby having a nice chat; you're not just gonna sit here moping all afternoon."

* * *

James watched as nothing more than a silent observer of the intense battle that was raging before him. There were five of them, sitting silently around a table, their glaring eyes darting back and forth between each other; each one looked more menacing than the next. 

All eyes were suddenly on Sirius as he leaned forward, prepared to put his last card on the table. James pushed himself closer to the table, watching with an intensity he had not known for so long. Sirius glared around at his enemies, meeting each of their eyes separately but with equal ferocity. It was most certainly…a challenge. And James could tell from the looks on their faces…they were ready to fight back.

Slowly, carefully, Sirius set his card face down on the teetering pile of the ones that had come before it. He opened his mouth, his eyes still traveling the length of the table, resting momentarily on one person's face or another's. Finally, it seemed, he spoke.

"One…Ace…"

He let the word trail off, and there was dead silence. James felt as if there was a glass bowl just barely sitting on top of his head and he couldn't move or it would fall. Once simple noise, one quite movement…could destroy everything.

Sirius sat back in his chair with ease and folded his hands on his stomach. His challenging stare continued to circle around, targeting his four opponents one-by-one. First was Remus, who met his gaze squarely with a calculating defiance. Second came Nadine who did not glare or scowl but merely watched him with precise scrutiny. Third was Jarrett whom—James was pleased to see—looked rather intimidated by Sirius's tough exterior. Lastly came the Flower. Lily—being so used to Sirius's ridiculous show of "stare-harassment" (or, starassment, if you will)—glared boldly back at him, her chin up in a haughty way and her cards held before her regally.

They all knew what had to be done...there was no other way. The question was…who was to do it? It would take courage and boldness, the likes of which could never be measured. Everything was at stake. It would only take one word to expose the accuser as the one that was blind to the evident truth.

For after the move was made…the truth would indeed be obvious. If Sirius lost, everyone would claim they knew it all along and the accuser would be a hero. If the accuser was wrong…Sirius would claim his place as a king and the rest would groan and say "I knew it shoulda been me all along…"

Remus looked from Sirius to Lily, who moved her penetrating glare to Jarrett who, in turn, gave Nadine a sidelong glance. Nadine's eyes swiveled to Remus's to complete the cycle. Remus nodded and the decision was made.

All eyes turned stonily back to Sirius who was regarding them with a superior air, as if daring them to challenge his authority. And of course…they confronted the dare with a defiance James could hardly even _begin_ to comprehend.

Lily slowly set her cards face-down on the table and looked up at Sirius coldly. Her face was determined, her mind bent on what she wanted. And if James knew anything at all about Lily Evans…she got what she wanted, when she wanted it.

"Bull—" she said slowly and clearly. "—shit."

There was dead silence for a moment as all eyes remained fixed either on Sirius or Lily. Sirius himself was staring at Lily soundlessly, unmoving. His eyes were hard and cold and Lily glared back with intensity.

"Final answer, Lily Flower?" Sirius asked, a perfect smirk darkening his features. James took this smug look to mean that Lily had just lost it for them all…but Lily herself looked undaunted. In fact, she smiled right back at him.

"Wouldn't change it for the world," she said matter-of-factly.

Sirius only stared at her for a moment. Then, slowly, his smirk slid off his face to be replaced by a much uglier expression.

"You all cheated!" he said reproachfully, and a loud, victorious cheer went up around the table. Sirius sat grumpily back in his seat, his arms folded moodily across his chest.

"We didn't cheat, you filthy scoundrel!" Remus said happily, throwing his cards down onto the table. For the game didn't matter anymore now that Sirius had more than half the cards. He would know whenever _anyone_ was lying.

"Yes, you did, I saw you!" Sirius replied angrily. "You all looked at each other so you'd know how many of the Aces you had."

"Yes, I forgot…we can all mind-read," said Nadine sarcastically and Sirius scowled.

"Come on, you big baby!" said Lily, getting to her feet and slinging her purse over her shoulder. James looked away as Jarrett wrapped an arm tightly around her waist. "We'll be late for rehearsal."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm coming," Sirius grumbled. The others walked away, but James waited quietly for his best friend to rise from his seat, still muttering grumpily about "that bloody bunch of gits."

"You're gonna have to let it go, mate," James said sympathetically, clapping his friend on the shoulder. They followed after the others. "It's just a game."

"Yeah, well…you weren't playing, were you?" Sirius said. James laughed and held the door open for Sirius before stepping out into the fresh, afternoon air of Rome.

* * *

"C'mon, sit down, mate." 

James was standing in the middle of a crowded park, surrounded by hundreds of people waiting for the music to start. Sirius, Remus, Lily and Jarrett had already taken seats in the grass and were waiting for him to join them. Peter and Nadine had gone to get some drinks and snacks.

James lowered himself to the ground in between Sirius and where Peter would eventually sit. He'd tried to sneak away again after rehearsal had ended but to no avail. Nadine had caught him and drug him back to the others who were trying to decide where they should go. They had chosen…a party of sorts in a park, somewhere in the beautiful city of Rome.

With a groan, James leaned back onto his elbows and stretched his tired legs out in front of him wondering how long it would take Peter and Nadine to get back with some drinks.

For a brief moment he could feel Lily's eyes on his face, but he did not give her the satisfaction of his gaze. He reasoned that this wasn't because he was jealous. (The word in itself was absurd.) It was because—he told himself—she didn't deserve the happiness of being in Jarrett's arms. She didn't deserve the happiness of being in _anyone's_ arms. Why should she be able to ruin James's life and start a newer, happier one of her own? For this reason, James refused to look at her, to speak to her, to even acknowledge her existence.

Besides…it was easier that way.

"Hey," said Peter, plopping down on the ground beside James, breaking into his torrent of thoughts. Behind him was a cooler, presumably filled with beer. Nadine sat on Sirius's other side and began throwing food into the middle of their circle.

"Dig in," she said happily.

James reached for a bag of crisps but, as he wrapped a hand around one end of it, another hand tugged from the other side. He looked up into the clear blue eyes of Jarrett Makin. Jarrett looked surprised.

"Oh, sorry, mate; go ahead," he said, letting go of his end.

"No, no, I'm not even that hungry," James said throwing the bag across the circle. Jarrett caught them, startled.

"No, really—"

"Seriously, I don't want them," James said firmly and, after a moment's hesitation, Jarrett nodded and opened the bag.

James didn't know why he didn't just take the crisps. He'd grabbed them first; Jarrett had told him to take them. Why didn't he just take them?

"So how long have you all known each other anyways?" Jarrett asked and, looking up, James realized the question was directed at him. He looked around quickly at his friends.

"Er…well, Sirius, Lily and I have known each other our whole lives basically," he said. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lily shift uncomfortably. "We met Nadine, Remus and Peter at school when we were eleven."

"Wow, that's a long time," Jarrett said, nodding and throwing a crisp carelessly into his mouth. After another moment of silence— "Lily tells me you guys were quite the pranksters in school?"

Sirius and James laughed and Peter and Remus smiled amusedly.

"I'll let you guys take this one," Remus said.

"Well, Lily Flower is quite right in telling you of this delicate matter," Sirius said matter-of-factly. "For we really were—"

"Idiots?" Nadine offered innocently and Sirius pinched her arm playfully.

"Geniuses," he said as if Nadine had never spoken. Lily and Nadine both snorted derisively at this and Sirius shot them both a glare. "You can't sit here and tell me that we didn't make your life more enjoyable?"

"Well, you certainly made it more entertaining," Lily said, nodding in agreement. She laughed suddenly. "Especially the day—in seventh year—when you proclaimed it was 'International Hug-a-Slytherin Day.'"

James laughed and his mind went into overdrive as it traveled backwards into the past.

"_What did you just say?" James asked, his expression confused._

"_It's 'International Hug-a-Slytherin Day', didn't you know?" Sirius asked jovially, bounding through the corridor with Lily and James hurrying to keep up._

_Lily looked at James uncertainly, the unasked question in her eyes. James just shrugged, grinning, as if to say "It's Sirius, remember?"_

"_So…what exactly _happens_ on, er…?"_

"'_International Hug-a-Slytherin Day!'" Sirius said impatiently. "I think the answer to your question, Lily Flower, is quite obvious. You hug every Slytherin that passes you in the hallway, duh!"_

"_Oh, of course, how stupid of me," said Lily, rolling her eyes at James._

"_I saw that," Sirius stated reproachfully and Lily grinned._

"_Ooh, look, Padfoot! There's one now!" James said suddenly, pointing down the corridor to where Jeremy Jenkins—a sixth year Slytherin—was walking. Sirius squealed with delight (rather like a girl actually) and ran down the hallway to capture Jeremy in a tight bear hug. Lily and James watched in amusement as Jeremy's feet left the ground and Sirius twirled him around like two lovers on a romantic night. He looked quite relieved (not to mention disgusted) when he was finally set back down on his feet._

"_See?" said Sirius happily, rejoining his friends. "It's that simple."_

"_Yeah, we'll see if it's 'that simple' when we've run into Snivellus," James said sarcastically. Lily and Sirius both shuddered at the repulsive thought of wrapping their arms around a slimy, grease-ball like Snape._

"_Yeah…maybe 'International Hug-a-Slytherin Day' wasn't such a great idea after all," Sirius said, scratching his head thoughtfully._

"_Though that little display was rather entertaining, Snuffles," Lily said pointedly and Sirius glared._

"_You know, just for that…I think I'll make it 'International Tickle-Lily Day' instead," he said and James grinned evilly. Lily's gaze lingered warily between them._

"_You wouldn't," she whispered, making it seem all the more dramatic. James took a step closer, shortening the distance between them._

"_That's the price for calling me 'Snuffles' my dear," Sirius said, also stepping closer. Lily squealed and streaked off down the hallway, Sirius and James close on her heels._

James came out of his fond memories with a small smile to find the others sipping their drinks and munching on snacks quietly.

Peter was examining his fingernails with apparent interest; Remus was simply watching passersby with intensity as though sizing them up. James quickly averted his eyes from Lily and Jarrett who were beginning to get 'cuddly' and turned his attention instead to Nadine and Sirius who were chatting fondly; he noticed with great curiosity that they were sitting much closer to each other than was necessary.

As James watched, Sirius suddenly pulled his eyes from Nadine's absolutely glowing face and instead focused them on a giant, ape-like man that was passing by their group.

"Ookay, now…how can you look at a man like that and _not_ believe we evolved from monkeys?" he asked the group at large and everyone was pulled from their own minds as the absurd question brought them back to reality. "No, seriously! Look at the man, he could _be_ a gorilla!"

"You know," said Lily, also following the man across the crowded park. "I do think he has a point."

"You're just as mad as he is," said Nadine, nudging Sirius who grinned. "And that's definitely saying something."

James laughed and, for a brief second, his hazel eyes landed directly onto Lily's green ones. He hadn't meant for it to happen; it was just one of those things you couldn't stop. Another one of those things was being unable to tear your eyes away again.

Somewhere behind him, music started playing, soft and slow. It was almost as if it had been planned. Lily's mouth curled into the smallest of smiles. James thought back to a time when they'd never hesitated to smile at each other, when they could have spent _hours_ together locked up in a room without one single awkward moment.

And suddenly…it was gone. Lily's eyes were torn from his as Jarrett, God damned Jarrett Makin, pulled her roughly to her feet so they could dance. Just as Lily had been ripped from his life when he was seventeen, Jarrett had come to do it again.

James watched with disgust as the vile piece of vermin twirled his prize out on the grass with hundreds of other couples. Sirius and Nadine appeared next to them, looking quite as happy as they had back in the day. And at that moment, as he watched his friends out there, he knew the picture was not right. Sirius and Nadine; Lily and James. That was _always_ how it was. _Always_. Back then, there had been no Jarrett, no barrier dividing them.

For that's what Jarrett Makin was: a barrier, a wall, a dividing line between how things are and how things should be.

As the song in the background turned to an even slower, sadder one, James's mind once again forced a memory into his conscious; one that he couldn't ignore.

_Lily laughed, her eyes sparkling happily as James spun her out again, a handsome, lop-sided grin of his own brightening his expression. With a soft smile, Lily turned gracefully back into his arms, her own wrapped securely around his neck._

"_You seem mighty happy," James remarked. "What's the occasion?"_

"_You're smiling," she replied, eyes dancing. "Can't say I've seen one of those on your face in quite a while."_

_James averted his eyes with a small laugh._

"_Can't say I've had much to smile _about_," he said quietly. Lily ducked her head a little to look into his eyes again and James met them with reluctance._

"_That's what _I'm_ here for, silly," she said with a grin and James slowly allowed another small smile to shape his lips. "C'mon, this is a ball! We're having fun!"_

_And with that she spun jubilantly out of his arms once again and just as jubilantly back into them. James pulled her closer, his eyes never once leaving hers and his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Lily giggled._

"_Now _this_ is dancing," she said contentedly_

_James smirked and kissed her softly. Lily smiled easily when he pulled away and rested her temple gently against his cheek._

"_Lily?"_

_His voice was hesitant and James cursed himself for not sounding like he knew what he was doing. Lily didn't move to look at him._

"_Mmm?" she murmured. James assumed this meant something along the lines of "what?"_

"_I…" he trailed off uncertainly, not sure he should chance it. "I…I love you."_

_Lily didn't make a sound, didn't answer the unasked question his statement had implied. They just dance until the night was over._

He never got a response.

**Yeah, so this chapter didn't take quite as long as the last one, I suppose, but I don't think it was as good. And I know, there were two memories in this one, which is a bit abnormal.**

**So the end isn't very good, but I sorta got writer's block after the game of bullshit. I dunno why, it just kinda happened. Hopefully the next chapter will be better.**

**Tell me what you think…meaning _REVIEW!_**

**Love.**

**Lillian James**


	7. Grave Lies

**Okay, so…this chapter is also in James's point of view, but it's only for one reason. The next chapter absolutely _has_ to be in Lily's point of view because it just does. This chapter has a topic in it that _most definitely_ has to be in James's point of view. I need to stop saying "point of view", it's getting repetitive.**

**Anyways, the gist of all of that is that this chapter is all James. I haven't decided whether it will be happy or sad yet. Probably a little of both, but I'm leaning more toward sad. I think it's cuz I like to torture poor James. Not because I get joy out of his pain, I'm not sick. It just makes him seem…vulnerable. And I love a vulnerable James Potter.**

**By the way…those of you who were wondering what it was James "hadn't had a lot to smile about lately"…well, it'll mostly be answered in this chapter, I think. maybe not. sort of. i dunno, i guess.**

**Anyways, on with the story.**

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except the people, places and things you _don't_ recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work._

**Grave Lies**

_James bounded down the stairs, grinning happily, Sirius close behind him. He stopped at the bottom and looked around, assuming he would find one of the girls there waiting for them. As it was rather late in the morning, the common room was almost empty with the exception of a few stragglers who'd apparently been left behind by their friends._

_It only took one quick glance around the room to spot the flaming red hair that belonged to Lily Evans. She was sitting with her back to him on the couch in front of the fire; she looked oddly hunched over and her long, straight hair hung down over her face, obscuring her expression._

_He trotted swiftly over to her with the intentions of playfully telling her to get her butt off that couch and down to breakfast when he caught a glimpse of her tear-stained face._

"_Hey, you, time for you to—Lily, what's wrong?" he asked, immediately sinking down onto the couch next to her. Sirius, who had followed James inquisitively, now stopped dead behind the couch and casually strolled away as if he had heard nothing._

_Lily raised her tearful eyes to James's and opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. It was then that James noticed the black letter clutched tightly in her right hand. He looked from the letter back to her face with frightened eyes._

"_Lily, I—I'm sorry—"_

"_N-no, James, don't!" Lily choked, turning imploring eyes onto his. "D-don't apologize, you c-can't—"_

_But she broke off with a shuddering gasp and dissolved into anguished sobs, hunching over and clutching her hands together tightly, the letter crushed between them._

"_It…it c-came to me, James," she sobbed. "I only—I wouldn't have opened it, but it…it came to m-m-me!"_

"_Lily, what are you—?"_

"_I'm s-so sorry, James," she sobbed, looking up into his face, her expression pleading. James's confusion increased tenfold and a sense of absolute dread seemed to wrap around his chest as though trying to suffocate him. "The owl, it…it landed r-right in front of me, I swear it!"_

"_Lily, what the hell are you talking—?"_

"_Here!" Lily sobbed, thrusting the letter into his hands and burying her face in her arms. "I'm so s-sorry…" she whispered again, her voice muffled and desperate._

_James stared down at the letter resting in his trembling hands. He shook his head slowly, refusing to believe the appalling truth that seemed to be creeping up behind him, getting closer with every second._

_The threatening silver outline of the Dark Mark gleamed up at him in the dancing firelight, causing shivers to run up and down his spine. Shaking uncontrollably, he slid his finger underneath the once-opened flap and flipped it up. He hesitated, staring down at the corner of more silver writing just visible underneath the flap. Then, with a growing panic that seemed to engulf his body, he closed his eyes and pulled the black card out of the envelope._

_He could feel the smooth silver letters underneath his fingers and found he could not open his eyes for fear he'd find the worst. He could feel the fear in his body expanding, spreading to his head, to his legs and to his arms. A heavy weight seemed to have fallen upon his body. He knew what it must say._

_Slowly, breathing heavily, he opened his eyes. He stood up so abruptly he felt dizzy; the card fell onto the table, the silver words glaring up at him as though mocking him._

"_James?"_

_Sirius's voice sounded distant, but James could feel his friend standing only inches away. James backed away from the table and tripped over the edge of the couch. Sirius grabbed his arm to keep him from falling and James stumbled upright, unable to tear his eyes from the black card lying so guiltily on the table._

"_James, what's—oh god," Sirius breathed, his eyes following James's._

_James had hit the ground before he'd even realized his knees were buckling underneath him. Lily, who seemed to have gained at least a little control, lurched from the couch and kneeled down in front of him. Sirius sank down onto the couch in Lily's place, his expression one of shock and disbelief._

_James stared at Lily blankly as she pushed his hair out of his eyes and pulled him roughly into a tight embrace, her eyes still leaking fat tears onto his shoulder. James couldn't find the strength to wrap his arms around her. He sat, numb, his eyes still locked onto the glimmering silver words that made up his father's name._

* * *

"PRONGS!"

James Potter bolted upright in bed, sweating and shaking. The door of his hotel room burst open and Sirius came marching into the room. As James reached groggily for his glasses he felt the covers around him fly off and hit the wall with a very dull thud.

"Hey!" James yelled angrily, shoving his glasses on and grabbing for his wand, which flew out of his reach and into Sirius's outstretched hand.

"Time to get up, sleepyhead!" Sirius trilled with an annoyingly pleasant smile as he waved James's wand tauntingly from where he stood at the end of the bed.

"Shove it," James said, lunging forward and trying to grab his discarded covers from the floor, but another flick of Sirius's wand sent them flying across the room. James turned to Sirius angrily. "What's your deal?"

"Prongs, it's one in the afternoon, and you still haven't gotten up," Sirius said, that irritating cheerfulness still lingering about him. "So now it's wakey-wakey time!"

James raised his eyebrows.

"What, am I five now?"

"I dunno, you tell me," Sirius shrugged. "But seriously…get up. You're too sulky these days; you need some more adventure in your life."

"Yeah, and where am I gonna get that, do you suppose?"

"Umm…hellooo! We're in _Venice_!" Sirius said, opening his arms wide and looking around. "This is like…the adventure capital of the world!"

"What are you talking about? Venice isn't the adventure capital of the world. It never has been…"

"Oh yeah?" Sirius challenged. "Go watch any heist movie, I swear to God it takes place in Venice."

"Oh, so you want us to take part in a heist?" James asked, amused. "And what, pray tell, will we be stealing?"

"Oh, Prongs, my friend, how naïve you are…" Sirius muttered, shaking his head. "We're stealing all the pigeons, duh!"

"You know, you might be on to something here," James said seriously.

"Finally! Thank you!" Sirius said exasperatedly. "Nadine just laughed at me and Moony told me he didn't think I'd gotten enough sleep. I knew you were smarter than those two."

"Well, of course," James grinned, rolling out of the bed and poking around for some clothes. "Did you ever doubt it?"

"Well, there were a couple times, I must admit," Sirius replied solemnly. "But I've learned my lesson."

"Oh yeah? What lesson is that?"

"That people who don't want to steal all the pigeons in Venice are idiots, of course," Sirius said matter-of-factly.

"You know, Snuffles, I couldn't agree more," said an amused voice from the door and James looked up from the drawer he was rummaging through into a pair of smiling emerald eyes. "Mind if I come in?" she added, meeting James's gaze squarely.

"Oh, Lily Flower, we would be delighted!" Sirius answered lavishly before James could even open his mouth. James smirked.

"Yeah, but only if you agree to help us smuggle all of Venice's pigeons out of here," he told her, straightening up. Lily raised her eyebrows.

"I thought I already agreed to that?"

"Oh, did you? Well, in that case, please, make yourself comfortable…."

"Did you need something, my Ever-Blooming Flower, or were you just popping in to say hello?" Sirius asked, his tone still rich and elegant. Lily seemed to struggle with herself for a moment before she answered with a straight face.

"Just dropping in to see if James is still alive," she said, nodding at her subject. "He sleeps too much."

"I 'sleep too much'?" James repeated indignantly. "'Sleep too much', ha! That's an oxymoron, that is."

"Everything's an oxymoron to you two," Lily said, rolling her eyes exasperatedly "Sleeping too much, eating too much, talking about Quidditch too much—"

"Hey now," Sirius said warningly, his rich voice disappearing immediately. "I'd watch it if I were you, Evans, you can't go around dogging on Quidditch."

"I'm not _dogging_ on Quidditch," Lily scoffed. "And we're back to 'Evans' I see…" she added dispassionately.

James circled around her and entered the bathroom, clutching a pair of clean jeans and a brown t-shirt, while Sirius retorted haughtily. As he closed the door behind him their voices vanished and he was left alone to ponder the day ahead of him as he dressed. When he finally came back out, Lily had gone and Sirius was sitting on his bed, awaiting his reappearance; his arms were folded moodily across his chest and he was tapping his foot impatiently as though he'd been waiting more than just five minutes.

"Well?" he asked, apparently irritated. "You ready yet?"

"C'mon, ya big baby," James said, pulling his friend up from the bed and preceding him out of the door.

* * *

"Okay, so I have this crazy idea," Sirius stated excitedly as the six friends—Jarrett had gone back to England with the irritating promise that he would catch up with them later—sat around a table by the warm pool outside their hotel. A soft blanket of darkness was descending slowly down upon them. The only sources of light were the glow from the pool lights and the dim shadow of sunlight now sinking into the river.

"Oh no…" Nadine said, rolling her eyes, but Sirius skillfully ignored this.

"I think we should take a little road trip," he continued matter-of-factly, the tips of his fingertips together in a very Albus Dumbledore-ish manner.

"We're smack dab _in the middle_ of a road trip, you dolt!" Remus said, smacking Sirius upside the head. "Have you failed to notice that we've been traveling around the continent for the past month? I personally thought that little detail was hard to miss, but then again…it is you…"

"Would you let me finish?" Sirius demanded, returning the thwack on the head. Remus grinned. "Anyways," Sirius continued, turning to the rest of the table and ignoring his friend. "What I was _trying _to say was when we get to Berlin we should take a little road trip, right? BUT, we should do it—are you ready for this?—Muggle-style…"

In the silence that followed James looked from Sirius's inviting expression to his other friends' skeptical and disbelieving faces with amusement.

"I'm sorry, what?" Nadine asked after a moment.

"Muggle-style?" Peter asked, his expression anxious. "What exactly does that mean?"

"It means," said Sirius impatiently, "that we should drive a couple of _cars_ to a certain place, camp a _tent_ there, _without magic_, and do what the _Muggles_ do. That is what the Muggles do, right, my Flower?" he suddenly shot at Lily who looked up from her drink, amused.

"That's what the Muggles do," she confirmed, nodding. "But I can't say I'm too fond of it myself."

"Well, that's not the point. The point is…" Sirius trailed off, looking thoughtful. "Okay, so there's no point. But it would be quite an adventure."

"Well, how can you possibly be sure we wouldn't cheat and use magic anyways?"

"Because we'd all leave our wands here, with Bobby or Greg or someone, duh!" Sirius explained as if this was the most obvious thing in the world.

"No, that's stupid," James said suddenly. "There're Death Eaters out there, we can't just go wandering through the woods, unarmed. We at least need to have them accessible in case—"

"Wait, you're not actually _considering_ this ludicrous idea, are you, Prongs?" Remus asked suddenly. James shrugged.

"Why not?"

"That's m'boy!" Sirius exclaimed, clapping James hard on the shoulder. "So who's gonna keep the wands?"

"Hey, we haven't all agreed to this insanity—"

"Don't insult my brilliance," Sirius cut Remus off snootily. "I don't hear anyone else complaining…"

"I'm complaining," Nadine said and Peter nodded in agreement. They all looked at Lily who shrugged.

"I'm in," she said simply and Sirius grinned.

"See, these two were always the smartest," he said, gesturing to Lily and James who smirked. "It's a shame they couldn't hold it together after school—"

"_Padfoot!"_ James growled suddenly as Lily turned a shade of bright scarlet that seemed to compete with her hair.

It was amazing how one simple sentence could completely alter the atmosphere of a conversation. Sirius merely shrugged and sank back into his seat. An unbearable silence followed in which no one seemed to want to look at anyone. Finally, with an air that suggested nothing at all had happened, Remus started talking Quidditch and the ambiance seemed to lessen in intensity.

Nevertheless, James found he couldn't quite enjoy the flow of the conversation, not even when the topic was Quidditch. He felt the sudden need to move his chair away from the table, away from the guilt he could feel flowing freely from Lily. Even as she put up a good front, it was still obvious she was making too much of an effort to laugh at Sirius's jokes, and when they finally all got up to get some rest, she avoided everyone's eyes and left without a goodnight.

James watched her go, feeling angry with Sirius for putting them in such an awkward position. It was already bad enough without Sirius commentating on the matter. For a moment, he had half a mind to follow her, but the thought was immediately chased away by the fact that he had no real reason to unless he wanted another awkward conversation.

Deciding he was too tired to talk to Lily or yell at Sirius, he made his way slowly up the stairs, his eyelids drooping more and more by the minute. When finally he'd made it to his room, he collapsed upon the bed without bothering to remove his clothes or put on pajamas.

* * *

James sat at the far end of the stage where he remained invisible to the crowd and watched as Lily Evans got the audience all riled up with her irresistible voice. He and the boys had just finished their set and welcomed her onto the stage with open arms; Sirius had literally picked her up and twirled her around fantastically, laughing manically.

Now, as he watched her sing a fast, vigorous song he thought back to their days at Hogwarts when they'd all sort of been in the same band. They hadn't really had a name or picked their own instruments; it was actually rather convenient because Sirius, Remus and Peter could each play guitar, bass and drums. Therefore James, who could not play drums, became the lead singer. Lily didn't actually consider herself to be in the band, though she did play piano for them quite a lot and eventually began singing along behind James.

Those days were most definitely gone. James vaguely wondered what would have happened if Lily hadn't left. Would they have broken up by some other means? Would Lily have stayed with the band?

_My entire world would be different_, James thought, his eyes following the light dancing on Lily's shining, red hair. Then, somewhere in the back of his mind came this unbidden thought: _I think I would have married her…_

James stood up so abruptly he was dizzy for a moment. He walked away from the blaring music, knowing suddenly that he was living in another world, a world that should never have existed. They should have left school; Lily should have stayed; they should have gotten married; they should have gotten jobs, a house, maybe even had a kid.

A sudden impact of emotions welled up inside of James's chest as he burst into his dressing room and sank down onto the couch, not daring to look at his shattered self in the mirror. To his horror, old ideas began reforming his tired and overworked brain; plans that could be potentially, even fatally damaging if carried out.

He put his head in his hands and pulled hard at his hair, his eyes shut tightly and his elbows digging into his knees. The reemergence of these destructive thoughts slowly drifted away but left a lingering sense of hopelessness and despair that endured in his chest. He knew he had to get out of that room.

The door of Sirius's dressing room opened almost immediately after James had knocked and Sirius appeared, holding a bottle of whiskey and grinning.

"Prongs, hey, come on—what's up?"

His expression changed from goofily happy to concern so fast it made James's head hurt. _Wow, I must really look like shit…_

"Anybody else in there?" he asked, his voice somewhat hoarse. Sirius's look of worried confusion increased.

"No, why? What's up?" he repeated, opening the door wider so James could step wearily inside.

"Where're Moony and Wormtail?" he asked, not keen to answer Sirius's question. "I figured they'd be in here having a drink."

"Well, I'm sure they will be in due time," Sirius said, closing the door again and sitting down across from James. "Is that why you came, to have a drink?"

"What—oh, yeah," James said, nodding quickly. He knew perfectly well that he could not fool Sirius, but what good would come out of worrying him? James had already done all he needed to do by making sure he was with someone; Sirius didn't need to be bothered.

"Right," said Sirius, looking at him skeptically. James knew his friend wouldn't push the matter, at least not yet. "Anyways, why don't we get 'em in here, then, eh?"

"Who?" James asked distractedly.

"Moony and Wormtail, of course," Sirius replied. "Now…we can't use magic inside this building…and I don't want to get up….Well, it seems we have only one choice."

"Oh? And what is that—?"

"MOONY! WORMTAIL!" Sirius bellowed and James slapped his hands over his ears with a wince. "GET IN HERE, WE HAVE WHISKEY AND WE WANT TO DRINK IT!"

"Was that _really_ the best option?" James asked, his eardrums throbbing. Sirius gestured toward the door that had just opened.

"Well…it worked, didn't it?"

"You hollered?" Remus said, his eyebrows raised quizzically.

"Indeed I did, Moony, my friend," Sirius said, beckoning two more chairs with his wand. "Have a seat, have a seat; it is time for a drink."

"Shouldn't we wait for Lily—?"

"Not necessary," James said a little too quickly, cutting Peter off. Sirius shot him an inquiring glance but seemed to dismiss this oddity after a moment and merely turned back to the bottle in his hand.

"Well…let's not keep the whiskey waiting…"

James was three glasses empty when the door opened and Greg and Bobby entered, followed closely by Lily and Nadine. Lily, who looked tired and rather sweaty, sat down opposite James and poured herself a glass, a happy smile controlling her features. She met his eyes for a brief moment and grinned. James raised his glass to her with a goofy smirk on his face and downed it. He was just pouring himself another when Sirius announced loudly that he "needed to potty." Everyone laughed and shooed him out of the room.

What happened next turned James's insides into ice.

"So, James, what with all the hectic traveling and concert scheduling I never really got a chance to ask you," Lily said, setting her glass down and leaning back in her chair with a smile in his direction. "How's your mother been?"

The reaction was predictable and instantaneous. James choked on his whiskey and sent it spluttering ungracefully down his chin; Remus dropped the bottle of wine he was holding and Peter fell out of his chair, a horrified expression on his face. As James coughed haphazardly into a napkin and Peter picked himself back up, Remus took a small, careful step towards the bewildered Lily.

"Lily, I—I don't really know how to—" he broke off, looking confused and anxious. James, sensing what was coming, lurched to his feet just as Remus was saying "Lily, James's mother is—"

"G-great!" James said hoarsely, throat stinging painfully. "She's…she's great, thanks for a-asking."

"Prongs, what're you—?"

"In fact," James continued loudly, drowning out Remus's perplexed voice, "she—she asked about you about two weeks ago. Wondered how you were," he continued, inventing wildly. He could feel Remus and Peter's eyes boring into him but dared not meet them; his gaze remained fixedly on Lily's happy yet thoroughly confused expression.

"Oh, and, er, what'd you tell her?"

"I—I said you were…great," he finished lamely, shrugging.

"Prongs, I really think we need to—" Remus started but he was cut off as Sirius burst back into the room, carrying two more bottles of whiskey, one of rum and one of wine.

"Don't fret, I am back, and I've brought the party with—what'd I miss?"

Sirius looked from Peter still sitting on the floor to Lily's puzzled smile to Remus and James who seemed to be having some kind of silent argument with their eyes.

"Nothing," James muttered, moving around Remus to resume his seat. "We'll talk later," he muttered to a glaring Remus. "C'mon, Padfoot, pass the rum."

**And that's the end. Hope you enjoyed. Eh, it isn't the best. But I have a really good bit for the next chapter. Even if the chapter itself isn't very good, it will have one amazing flashback. Well, I think it's amazing mainly because i think it's adorable.**

**So sorry this chapter took so damn long, I've been really busy what with school ending and everything. Lots to do, lots to do.**

**Oh well…oh, and I'm trying for more Lily and James fluff stuff in the next one. I know this one didn't really have any.**

**Lillian James**


	8. To Make Matters Complicated

**So I know…I suck. Please forgive me. This has, in fact, been the craziest time of my life these past months. And even though the beginning of this whole chapter totally sucks…please keep reading because you want to read the end.**

**Kay, so we're back to Lily's point of view. I'm actually rather excited about this chapter mostly because of a memory of Lily's I have in here. It's a very adorable memory if I may say so myself. And before I begin, I want to clarify that, in the memory, Lily and James are _not_ dating yet. As one of my friends put it, "it seems like they're in that awkward stage between friends and actual relationship…" so just know that.**

**By the way…in this first segment, Lily and James are standing on, let's say, the sixth floor of the hotel, looking out at the view. I just didn't really get around to saying where they actually _were_ in the segment. Let's pretend they're standing in front of a huge window right next to the elevators.**

**Sorry, the first part sucks.**

**Anyways…enjoy.**

**To Make Matters Complicated**

"Ever been to Berlin before?"

Lily jumped and turned from the glassy window she'd been staring out of to face the speaker. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw James standing before her.

"Oh, it's you," she said, turning back to the scenic view of Berlin, Germany as James came to stand next to her. "I thought you were Peter coming back to continue his explanation of the entire history of Germany."

James laughed.

"Ah, you should've known better than to get caught up in that story," he said, smiling into her eyes. Lily looked away.

"It's really beautiful, isn't it?" she asked and she felt rather than saw his head turn away from her to instead take in the beautiful view before them.

"You never answered my question," he said pointedly. "You ever been here before?"

"Yeah, once with my—with my dad," Lily said with slight difficulty. "He thought I'd like some of the shops here."

"Oh, yeah, I remember," James said, nodding. "The summer after fifth year, right?"

"Yeah, how'd you remember something like that?"

"Eh," he replied, shrugging. "I remember a lot of things."

A surprisingly easy, peaceful silence fell around them and Lily sighed contentedly. The world outside was the perfect picture of a snow globe; the wind blew the autumn leaves, swirling them around the churches and houses as if it was trying to leave its own imprint of life upon them.

"Hey, James," she said suddenly and he turned to her. "The other night, after the concert, when I asked how your mother was—" James seemed to tense, "—were you…what I mean is—well, is she really, er, 'great'?"

"Yes, of course," James said a little too quickly. "Why wouldn't she be?"

"Oh, I don't know, I was just…you guys just seemed a little, er, shifty, I guess," Lily replied. A smirk appeared slowly on James's face and Lily looked away.

"Shifty?" he asked.

"Never mind, forget it, I was just making sure," Lily said quickly; she could feel a hot blush creeping into her cheeks. Why was he suddenly so good at making her anxious?

Fortunately, before another word could be said, the elevator doors opened and Sirius popped his head out.

"Oh, there you two are," he said impatiently, striding out and taking them both by the wrist. "I've been looking for you; we have a trip to plan."

"What?" Lily asked, bewildered, as she allowed herself to be dragged onto the elevator with James.

"The camping trip we all agreed to take!" Sirius said with irritation. "Remember, we decided to go camping like the Muggles do once we got to Berlin?"

"Just…it's easier not to argue," James grinned as the elevator doors closed. Lily smiled, unable to stop her gaze from meeting those dizzying hazel eyes once more.

* * *

"Okay, first things first," Sirius said, clapping his hands together as he sat down across from Nadine. They were on the balcony of his suite, sitting around a large glass table and sipping on their drinks. "Who's going to take charge of the wands?"

"Lily," Remus said at once. "She's the one least likely to use them."

"Oh, is that so?" Lily asked, amused.

"Hey, you're more used to this kind of thing than we are," Remus shrugged.

"Okay, Lily has charge of the wands," Sirius said, scribbling on a piece of parchment. "Alright, next bit of business. Where exactly are we supposed to get cars?"

"I'm sure we can rent a couple somewhere," Lily said after a moment of confused silence. "We'll just ask the clerk at the hotel desk where we can go for one."

"Ah, excellent plan, my Flower," Sirius said, perking up.

"Er…we might have a slight problem," James suddenly said and everyone looked at him. "Concerning the cars, I mean."

"Oh, and what is that, Prongsie boy?"

"None of us can drive," Lily cut in before James could respond.

"Oh," Sirius said, looking crestfallen. "I see your point. Then what are we supposed to do?"

"Well, we could just Apparate there, and _then_ stop using magic—" Nadine started but Sirius cut her off.

"No, that's out of the question!" he snapped, his anger almost comical. Indeed, Nadine merely shrugged, an amused expression on her face.

"Lily, what other means of transportation do Muggles use?" Sirius suddenly shot at Lily.

"Er…well, we could take a bus, or—or a train, I guess," Lily said. "But that would only take us so far."

"Well, what happens after we get 'so far' then?"

"We'd have to hike, I guess," James shrugged.

"Excellent plan, Prongs!" Sirius said excitedly. "I don't think we could get more Muggle-like than hiking!"

"Well, you've gotta give him credit," James muttered to an amused Lily. "When he wants something done, he certainly wants it done right."

* * *

Loaded down with luggage and grinning like a maniac, Sirius appeared as the elevator doors opened in the lobby. The others couldn't help smiling at his infectious happiness.

"You all ready then?" he asked, beaming around at them all. "Well, let's get a move on, we don't want to be late!"

"Oh, of course not," James said sarcastically. "What would the trees do if we didn't show up on time?"

"You're just jealous that I came up with this and you didn't," Sirius retorted, completing the effect of acting like a child by sticking his tongue out.

"Well, I can't pretend it isn't true," James replied, grinning goofily at his best friend.

"C'mon, slowpokes, everyone's ready but you two, and we can't keep the bus waiting any longer," Nadine said impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah, keep your panties on…or rather—"

"Shut it, Black, or I'll have _your _panties in a rather painful grip," Nadine replied menacingly.

"Hmm…I don't think she's a morning person," Sirius observed, watching her walk across the lobby and through the front doors. The others followed and Lily motioned for Sirius and James to accompany her to the bus, which stood waiting patiently outside.

"Isn't she a beauty?" Lily asked, staring up at the blue and grey bus before her. Sirius examined it with a rather disgusted expression.

"Is this really how Muggles get around?" he asked and Lily nudged him.

"Be nice," she warned. "Not everyone can teleport like we can."

"Teleport?" Sirius asked confusedly.

"Never mind, let's just go," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Honestly, the things some Wizards just don't know," she muttered to James as they headed for the door of the bus, which Sirius was still staring at as though it was some kind of disease.

"Don't be too harsh, he didn't grow up like you did, remember?" James reminded her quietly although he looked quite amused all the same. "You didn't know you were a witch until you were eleven."

"Yeah, but _you_ know what teleportation is," Lily said pointedly.

"Yes, but I grew up _pretending_ I was a Muggle around you," James replied, stopping in front of the bus and turning to face her.

"You _were_ a pretty good actor," she said and James grinned. "Come on," she nodded toward the bus. "Let's find some seats."

* * *

Lily sighed and stared out at the scenery rushing past, wondering why she'd let herself sit next to him. It was a five-hour bus ride, she should have known better. First she'd been unable to stop laughing for an hour as he told her quaint little stories and flirted with her quite unabashedly. And now he was sleeping next to her, his head turned to face her and his messy black hair falling oh-so-appealingly over his forehead. The only way she could possibly ignore him was to look in completely the opposite direction. But even that didn't work. It seemed that no matter what she thought about, her train of thought would eventually lead her back to James. The night they'd had the random facts conversation led to imagining Sirius as the Queen of England, which eventually led to the remembrance of a certain, fond memory locked somewhere in the back of her head. It was almost like she could see it playing on the window, like a movie.

_Lily sat, hugging her knees tightly against her chest. Breathing was beginning to take more effort than it should've. She closed her eyes and buried her face in her arms.  
__  
There was the worst feeling of emptiness somewhere in her chest and making its way through her body. She felt weak, unable to move, but all she wanted to do was run. She wished suddenly she didn't exist anymore. Images flashed through her mind...things she could do to end it, to finish it all for good._

_No more pain...no more sadness, emptiness...loneliness…_

_These ideas of her self-destruction exited her mind faster than they had entered, but they left a lingering sense of guilt and despair she was afraid would never go away._

The door opened, but Lily didn't look up. Quiet footsteps echoed across the floor as someone came steadily closer to her. She kept her face hidden, ashamed, even though she knew whoever it was could never have known what she'd been contemplating.  
The footseps quieted and silence ensued.

"I was wondering where you'd gone to," said a soft, familiar voice and Lily jumped, not having realized how close he was to her. She lifted her head slowly and found herself staring into a pair of warm, hazel eyes.

James was squatting down in front of her, elbows on his bent knees and his expression concerned.

"What are you doing in here?" Lily muttered, averting her eyes and playing with a loose string on the edge of the rug.

"Looking for you," James replied, voice annoyingly pleasant for a moment. "Why'd you run off?" His tone changed drastically from happy to concerned so fast it made her dizzy.

"Headache," she said and she could almost feel him frown.

"Yes, and I'm Queen Elizabeth," he remarked dryly. Lily smiled ever so slightly. "Really, what's on your mind?"

"I already told you—"

"You don't have a headache—"

"Yes, I do!"

"Fine, but why'd you leave?"

"James! I just told—"

"Stop lying, you're bad at it," James said and Lily finally looked up but only to glare at him. James moved to sit next to her and leaned back against the wall with a groan. "Ahh...much better. Now, back to you and your inability to lie to me. What's up?"

"Nothing," Lily said stubbornly, crossing her arms and turning away from him. James sighed exasperatedly and Lily could almost imagine him rolling his eyes.

"Lily—"

"I'm fine!" she interrupted him loudly, still not facing him.

"If you were 'fine' I wouldn't be in here, now would I?" James asked through clenched teeth, the irritation now evident in his voice.

"Then, why aren't you leaving?" Lily asked as though she'd just stated the most obvious solution to the problem. James almost seemed to growl in frustration.

"Lily, stop being so god damned obstinate!" he said angrily. "I'm not gonna leave so the least you could do is look at me, for Christ's sake!"

Lily lowered her eyes, feeling somewhat guilty for being rude to him. He was only trying to be nice, no matter how nosy he was. She slowly turned back around and crossed her legs, though continued to avoid his eyes.

"Thank you," James said and she nodded somewhat coldly. "Now...talk to me."

Lily was perfectly prepared to adamantly refuse, but as she met his eyes she found him looking at her with a mixture of concern and confusion. His eyes had dimmed from their usual brightness and adopted a darker, cloudy look. Lily couldn't hold his gaze and averted her face, staring at the ground once more.

"I'm just a little...stressed," she said, struggling for the right word. "A lot's been happening lately, you know? I'm just--I dunno...confused, I guess."

"What are you confused about?" James asked quietly. Lily could feel his eyes boring into her, but she didn't dare look up.

"Everything," she muttered, playing once again with the same loose string on the rug. "Everyone's acting so...odd these days. Nadine's never around 'cause she's snogging Sirius in broom closets. Same with Jenna and Remus, for that matter." She paused and took a deep breath. "I just feel...alone, I guess."

"What about Christine?" James asked, voice inquisitive. "She's still around, right?"

"Not really," Lily said, playing with her sleeves now. "She's always running after one boy or the other. It was you last week," she added with a slight smile.

"Oh, so _that's __why she jumped me in the Great Hall," James said softly, almost as though thinking to himself. He laughed. Lily looked up._

"She _jumped __you?" she asked incredulously. "When?"_

"Friday," James said simply, shrugging as though it didn't even matter. "I'd almost forgotten about it, actually, 'til you said that."

"Oh," Lily said, searching James's face. "That's odd...that she'd do that."

"No, it's not, she's Christine," James said slowly as though Lily were daft. "She'd do that with anyone."

"What? Oh, yes, Christine...right," Lily muttered. She felt the blush rising in her cheeks and she looked away.

"Lily, are you okay? You're acting strange," James said, peering into her face.

"I thought you'd already established that I wasn't _okay__," Lily said bitterly, crossing her arms and leaning back against the wall again. "Or you wouldn't be in here, remember?"_

"Stop it!" James snapped, suddenly angry again. "If you want me to leave, fine, but just tell me!"

Lily sighed, once again ashamed with herself. She slumped over, elbows on her knees and head in her hands. She buried her fingers in her hair and pulled hard, shutting her eyes tightly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered after a moment. "I don't want you to go. I'm just...I don't mean to be rude; I've just got a lot on my mind. I'm sorry."

"It's alright," James said. Lily felt his hand close around her wrist. "Quit yanking your hair like that, you'll pull it all out. Then you'd be bald monster. I don't think you want that."

Lily couldn't help laughing. She let her head go and sat up again, looking him in the face, a small smile still evident in her features.

"Now...it's the week before Winter Break and I'm sitting here on a dingy floor in the seventh year girl's dormitory instead of celebrating with my classmates," James said as though he were telling a story to a five year old. "Could you please enlighten me as to why?"

Lily thought about this question. There were many answers she could give him, all of which involved her being frustrated with her friends and James himself, though she wasn't exactly sure she'd be able to explain them. So she settled on the thing that made her most depressed.

"Funny that you mentioned Winter Break, actually," she said, her voice bitter. "In a week, everyone'll leave and I'll be stuck here for two weeks with no one to talk to besides perhaps Snape." She shuddered at the thought. "So you can see why I'm not--"

"What are you talking about?" James asked, his voice genuinely confused. Lily looked at him and saw him staring at her as though she was crazy.

"What do you...everyone's leaving next week, remember? Christmas, family, home, presents..._Christmas__," Lily said slowly as if he were a bit dim._

"I know what Christmas is!" James said, waving his hand impatiently. "I meant, what did you mean you'd be 'stuck here' for two weeks?"

Lily wasn't quite sure she understood. What else could she possibly mean besides the obvious?

"You guys'll all go home and I'll...I'll be here," she said, staring at him strangely.

"Why would you be here?" James asked, still completely bewildered. Lily suddenly felt tears forming in her eyes.

"James, my father is dead and my mother—well, she's…she's my mother," she said, wondering why on earth he was doing this to her. "I have nowhere to—"

"Don't be stupid!" James said, comprehension dawning on his features. He started laughing and Lily could have slapped him. Then he said something that made the iron fist clenching her heart release its tight grip.

"You're coming home with me, of course!"

Lily felt like she was floating and for a moment she was speechless.

"What?" she breathed at last. James smiled and shook his head.

"You didn't think I'd just _leave __you here, did you?" he asked. "Honestly, I thought you knew me better than that!"_

"You mean...I didn't think you'd...I was just--" she spluttered but stopped abruptly. A grin was forming on her lips. "You mean I'm coming to your house for Christmas?" she asked and James nodded, smiling.

Lily felt her smile growing bigger and bigger until it felt almost goofy. She flung herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck tightly and squealing. He fell backwards, laughing, and engulfed her in a hug. Lily barely even noticed she was lying on top of him until—

"Well...that's the _second __time I've been jumped in a week! You girls just can't keep your hands off me! Not that I'm complaining..."_

Lily smiled happily at her reflection in the window and sighed with content. She leaned back and pulled her blanket up to her chin, falling asleep with ease.

* * *

"Alright, everyone…hand your wands over," Sirius said importantly, setting the example by diligently handing his own wand to Lily who stowed it away in her backpack. The others grumblingly did the same.

They had arrived where they were to camp for the next three days and set up their tents. Unbeknownst to Sirius, Lily and Nadine's tent was already chock-full of magic, equipped fully with a fireplace and dining room. This had been Nadine's doing, who had disapproved of the whole trip to begin with.

"What happens when Sirius walks in here and sees that we've cheated?" Lily had asked pointedly.

"I bewitched it so that he'll just see a dirty, grimy Muggle-like tent," Nadine had replied, grinning.

"What about the others?"

"They can see the real thing, but I highly doubt they'll snitch on us; they'll be so happy to be able to shower properly they won't care. Sirius will be the only smelly one."

As expected, Sirius did in fact conduct a "tent check", walking around their campsite and peering into everyone's tent. Nadine and Lily both held their breath in as he peeked into their tent, but he pulled it back out with a satisfied smile on his face.

"Perfect," he said happily, coming back to join them. "Now…what do we do first?"

Everyone suddenly seemed to be at a loss. They all looked around at each other, wondering exactly what one did while camping.

"Lily, got any ideas?"

"Okay, just because I'm Muggle-born doesn't mean I automatically know what we're supposed to do now," Lily said agitatedly.

"Well, I just thought maybe—"

"Hey, you're the one that wanted this trip, time for you to figure it out," Lily said, rubbing her arms for warmth, hopefully sending him the clue that it was time to build a fire. "Meanwhile, I'm going to head into my nice warm"—Nadine nudged her—"er, cold tent, that is. Yes, very very cold."

She caught James eyeing her suspiciously as she retreated to her fiery warm tent, but thankfully Sirius didn't seem to notice her slip-of-the-tongue. She slipped through the flap, glad to be alone for once. Solitude, however, never seemed to last very long for Lily Evans.

"You _cheaters!_" a familiar voice exclaimed from behind her. Lily jumped and turned to find James ducking into their illegal paradise.

"Shut up, you, Sirius will hear!" she hissed, flapping a quieting hand at him. They paused for a moment to listen, but Sirius seemed preoccupied with ordering Remus to gather firewood. Lily raised her eyebrows.

"You tell him to build the fire or did he figure it out all on his own?"

"Poor bloke, doesn't know his head from his butt," James said sadly, coming into the tent fully and looking around. "I do, however, think he would notice the difference in your tent could he see it. I've got half a mind to tell him, you know."

"You know you'll be grateful for that shower in there by the time tomorrow night comes around," Lily said, pointing to the bathroom behind her. James grinned.

"I suppose you're right," he said. "But don't you think he'll notice that we all smell good?"

"No, I think his own horrid stench will cover it all up," Lily smirked.

"Any of the others seen this yet?" James inquired, bending over to examine himself in the shorter than average mirror next to the door.

"Nope, just you," Lily said. "Well, and Sirius, but he doesn't know what he saw so he doesn't count."

"Mind if I explore?"

Lily held out her arms wide as if to say "Go right ahead."

"I presume this is Nadine's room?" James said, leaning into the first doorway to his left.

"What gave it away, the life-size teddy bear Sirius gave to her or the talking tea kettle that won't stop shouting her name?"

"Er…both, but mostly the tea kettle. Can't you make it shut up?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"Why in God's name did she bring it?" James asked, shutting the door quickly and blocking the sound out. Lily shrugged.

"She thinks it's cute."

James raised his eyebrows skeptically.

"She and Sirius really are meant for each other, aren't they?" he asked, his voice somewhat disgusted.

"Yes, they're basically the same person, only Nadine is female and Sirius is not," Lily said.

"Although even _that_ we can't be sure of," James added and Lily laughed, leading him away from Nadine's room and instead into the kitchen area. He stopped short, however, next to another closed door.

"I can only assume that this is your room since you are in such a hurry to pass it by," he said, smirking handsomely. "Shall we open it then?"

"If you're smart enough to figure out that I'm passing it quickly by, I should think you'd realize I don't want you in there," Lily pointed out.

"Yes, which only makes it all the more intriguing, doesn't it now?" he asked, his hand on the doorknob. Lily stepped forward to stop him but he turned it anyways and entered. Lily sighed and slowly followed him in.

"I don't see what all the fuss was about, this isn't so horribly embarrassing—ah, I see," he caught himself mid-sentence, staring at the opposite side of the room and Lily winced. "I see you haven't gotten over your obsession with penguins."

Lily let out a relieved breath. While the fact that she still owned and traveled with thirty-seven stuffed penguins was somewhat embarrassing, it didn't nearly come close to what he was going to say when he saw her nightstand.

"Damn, you guys have real beds and fireplaces and everything," he rambled on, walking slowly around her room and placing a hand on her soft mattress to test it out. Lily also paced around the room, careful not to look at him. "I might have to sneak in here one night and hijack your whole tent; I'd keep a good lookout if I were—"

He stopped so suddenly it made Lily feel dizzy for she knew what must have caught his eye. She turned to face him, smiling, and pretended she had no idea that anything was different than it had been seconds before.

"Ready to see the kitchen yet?" she asked cheerily, but James didn't remove his eyes from the nightstand.

"Where did you get this picture?" he asked quietly and Lily cringed. He turned to look at her, his eyes blank, expressionless once again. "My mother w—is the only with this picture."

"No, she, um, she sent me a copy," Lily explained somewhat nervously.

"When?" he shot at her, and Lily got the impression he didn't believe her.

"Right after…er…graduation, I suppose," she replied, her eyes flicking briefly to the topic of their conversation. It was of her and James right after their graduation from Hogwarts; it was a simple picture, the two of them standing next to each other, each with one arm wrapped securely around the other, their hats held in the other hand, and Lily's temple resting gently against James's cheek. They were both smiling, and Lily tried to remember the time when her mouth could stretch that wide.

James continued to stare at the picture, his eyes almost unfocused. Lily shifted uncomfortably, wishing he would notice the other countless pictures surrounding that one. It wasn't like she kept that one hidden safely under her pillow like a treasure or something.

"It's just a picture, James," she muttered after a moment. James tore his eyes away from it at last to meet her gaze evenly.

"You're wrong," he said simply, moving to leave the room, and Lily knew in an instant how right he was.

It wasn't just a picture. It was _the _picture. It symbolized everything 'Lily and James'. Not only that, but it was the last picture of them that had ever been taken. Lily knew that was the reason she kept it so close, though she would never admit it.

She stared at the picture as he made to move past her; something about the mixture of the desired happiness the photograph held and James's irresistible scent made her snap. He'd already made it to the door when—

"James, wait—"

He turned, his expression half-pained, half-inquisitive, but Lily hardly noticed. Without stopping to think, she took two steps toward him and pulled his lips to hers in a gentle kiss, one of her hands clinging to the collar of his shirt while the other snaked around his neck, her fingers buried in his untidy, black hair. She felt his initial shock dissolve into contentment as he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, pulling her closer and deeper into the kiss. When she pulled away for a breath of air, she barely got a gasp out before he'd pulled her back for another one, this one deeper and more passionate than the last.

Lily felt sure they would have done something entirely regrettable had Nadine not entered the tent at that very moment.

**Wheeee!!! Done, I am.**

**I swear I'll try to get the next chapter up sooner. I was having HORRIBLE writer's block with this story, which this chapter probably shows. I just couldn't write it. So whoever out there stuck with it…thanks. You're more diligent than I ever was.**

**love.**

**Lillian James**


	9. Views On A Kiss

**I'm thinking this chapter is going to alternate points of view. First Lily's, then James's, then Lily's again, you get the idea. I don't think there will be very many like this, but I didn't want to have to write two chapters to incorporate one idea. Seemed a bit pointless. This chapter also doesn't have a memory in it, which is kind of sad cuz I like those. Oh well…next chapter.**

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except the people, places and things you _don't_ recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work._

**Views On A Kiss**

"Lily? _Lily?_"

Lily stared blankly at the door frame where James had been standing only a moment before, his intoxicating scent still hovering around her.

"LILY!"

She jumped as Nadine's voice broke the barrier into her numb brain. Her friend was standing next to her, concern etched in her features. Lily stared at her, her eyes wide and panicked.

"Lily, what's wrong with you?" she asked, pulling her frozen friend into the room and sinking down onto the soft bed. "Did you and James have a fight or something? He just _bolted_ out of here when I came in…"

Lily tensed even more at the sound of his name, and she clutched Nadine's hand so tightly her knuckles turned paler than the moon. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for Nadine's inevitable reaction of shock and anger.

"I…I kissed him," she said, almost not believing it herself.

"You kissed who?" Nadine asked, confused, and Lily sucked in a breath, not ready to give the answer.

"…James." Nadine froze immediately, and Lily closed her eyes tightly, waiting for the blow to come. There was silence for what felt like eternity before Nadine finally spoke, but it wasn't at all what Lily was expecting.

"Did he…did he kiss you back?"

Lily opened her eyes and her hand unclenched itself involuntarily as she looked up into her friend's eyes, bewildered. Nadine was watching her curiously, but Lily could hardly make out the expression in her eyes. She looked away again, diverting her gaze down to her shoes.

"I don't see why that should matter," she muttered.

"Believe me, Lily, it matters," Nadine said gently; Lily wondered why she was being so nice about it all.

"Yes, he kissed me back," she said quietly. "And then…when I pulled away, he kissed me again."

Nadine sighed and stood up again. Lily stared up at her, and saw something like pity shining out of her friend's eyes.

"I came in here to tell you…Jarrett's outside," she said, and Lily's stomach clenched painfully. That would explain why Nadine was being so nice. She felt sorry for her. Lily swallowed hard, her throat suddenly dryer than a desert.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me," she said hoarsely, and Nadine shook her head sadly. "How the _hell_ did he find us here?"

"He went to the hotel and, when we weren't there, asked Greg and Bobby," Nadine explained. She hesitated. "He wanted to surprise you."

Lily groaned and fell sideways onto the bed, burying her head in her pillow and wanting more than anything to just dissolve into tears.

"How could I have been so stupid?" she asked angrily, her voice muffled by the pillow.

"We'll talk about it later," Nadine said. "Right now, Jarrett's outside and he's surely wondering what's taking you so long."

Lily knew she was right and somehow managed to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat, pushing it down into her stomach where it would wait until nightfall to come back out and haunt her dreams. She stood up slowly, smoothing out her clothes and followed Nadine steadily out of the tent.

* * *

"James, what're you—?"

But James ignored Nadine as he swept quickly out of the tent, his heart pounding in his chest. He had hoped the fresh air would help to clear his head and push away the flowery aroma Lily had left hovering around him, but the only thing that occurred when he found himself outside served purely to give him a pounding headache as well.

"Prongs, my friend!" Sirius said, hurrying forward to pull James out into the open air. "You'll never _guess_ who's just arrived."

James looked up quickly at his friend, and his eyes flickered to the fire where Sirius was pointing. There stood Jarrett Makin, talking animatedly with Remus and Peter. James almost choked as his heart jumped up immediately into his throat.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me," he whispered, stopping dead in his tracks. Sirius pulled his arm impatiently. "What the hell is he doing here?"

"He came to join us," Sirius said cheerily, still dragging James along behind him. "The more, the merrier, I say!"

"I don't," James growled, digging his heels into the earth to stop Sirius lugging him any further.

"Oh, stop being such a party pooper," Sirius said, disgruntled, pulling harder on James's arm, but he wouldn't budge. Sirius stopped, turning to face James. "You're going to have to start talking to the guy at some point, you know. You can't just—"

"She kissed me," James cut him off and Sirius stopped dead.

"Who kissed you?" he asked slowly, and James sighed, though he was sure Sirius already knew the answer.

"Lily," he said quietly, the simple name paining him to say.

Sirius stared at him, his eyes wide but otherwise expressionless. James could tell that he seemed to be waiting for the punch line, but James said nothing, only waited for Sirius to get over the full shock of the truth.

"You…you _are_ joking, right?" Sirius said, laughing somewhat nervously. "I mean, you can't be—you're not…she didn't—holy shit, you're not kidding!" He let go of James's arm and stared around in utter disbelief. "When? How? _Why?_"

"About three seconds ago, in her tent," James replied, rubbing his temples. "So you can see why I'm not really in the mood to go chat about the weather with her boyfriend, can't you?"

James made to move around him, heading for his own tent, but Sirius caught up with him.

"Wait, wait, wait, the story can't just end there," he said impatiently. "What happened to make her…you must have _talked_ or something afterwards…?"

"No, Nadine came in and I took off faster than a deer in the headlights," James replied, sighing.

"Did Nadine _see_ you?" Sirius asked, as they crawled into their measly tent.

"No—well, she saw me leaving, of course, but she didn't see the, er…you get the point."

"So, wait…let me get something straight," Sirius said, sitting down as James pulled out a bottle of whiskey and a glass. "Did you kiss her or did she kiss you?"

"I already told you, _she_ kissed _me_," James said, downing the glass in one gulp. He started to pour another, but Sirius roughly grabbed the bottle.

"I'm not letting you get drunk off your ass because of this, you know it won't actually help; if anything it'll just make you more depressed," he said, and James opened his mouth to argue, but Sirius shushed him. "So she initiated it, then? You didn't do anything that might have made her—I dunno…?"

"No, I was walking past her, my back was to her and she just turned around and…kissed me," he said, leaning over and burying his head in his hands, his fingers pulling hard at his hair.

"Well…did you kiss her back?" Sirius asked after a moment's silence.

"Of course I kissed her back!" James said, frustrated. "I even kissed her _again_ when she pulled away."

"Why the hell would you do that?" Sirius asked incredulously.

James raised his head, his hair sticking up at odd angles, and stared back at his friend, eyes pained.

"I have absolutely no idea," he said. "It just…happened. I mean, I—I _wanted_ it to happen."

Sirius watched intently for a moment as James went back to trying to yank all his hair out. After a brief moment that felt like an eternity, he opened his mouth, but what came out was anything but comforting.

"Here's the question you have to ask yourself," he said matter-of-factly. "Did you want it to happen simply because there was a hot girl throwing herself at you? 'Cuz, let's face it, Lily is _definitely _hot," he added, but James hardly noticed. He was waiting impatiently for the 'or'. "Or did you want it to happen," Sirius continued slowly, "for reasons you can't explain even in your own head?"

James raised his head again, his heart once more pounding ferociously in his chest, so loudly he felt sure Sirius could hear it.

"I—"

"Oi!" Remus stuck his head into the tiny tent and James stopped talking abruptly. "You guys are missing all the fun out here," Remus said, fortunately unaware that he had interrupted anything. "Get your arses out here before I have to drag you out. This was _your_ idea, I might add," he suddenly shot at Sirius who nodded, his eyes still on James.

"We'll be out in two shakes," he said and Remus nodded approvingly, removing his head from the tent and retreating back to the fire.

"Well," Sirius said, clapping James hard on the back. "You heard the man; let's get out there."

"You go, I just need a few minutes to clear my head," James said, falling gracefully back onto his sleeping bag.

"Fine, but don't take too long," Sirius said. "I don't wanna have to explain to Jarrett why you refuse to talk to him…"

And with that, he left James to wallow in his thoughts, which were haunted by the lingering feeling of Lily's lips on his own.

* * *

Lily stared up at the canopy above her, trying to sort through her emotions and maybe explain to herself what had caused her insane lapse of judgment. Had it simply been the picture? Or had the tension that had been built up over the past few weeks simply break loose and wreak havoc? Or—worst of all—did she simply kiss him because something deep inside of her wanted her to…_needed_ her to?

The bed shifted slightly, breaking her out of her reverie, and she forced a smile as Jarrett climbed under the covers with her, one of his arms snaking tightly around her waist, pulling her against his warm body. Lily couldn't stop the flashing images of James doing almost the same thing earlier that day. She turned on her side to face him, hoping he wouldn't notice how fake her smile really was.

"You were quiet tonight," he said softly.

"Was I?" Lily asked, not meeting his eyes. "I suppose I'm just tired. These past couple of months have been pretty crazy."

"I don't doubt it," Jarrett replied. "I don't know how you put up with it, all this traveling around. I think I'd go nuts."

"I guess I'm just used to it," Lily shrugged, only flicking her gaze to his occasionally. She wasn't sure whether it was guilt that kept her from meeting his hazel eyes or whether it was the fact that they so resembled James's it made her feel sick. **(A/N: I don't know if I've mentioned Jarrett's eye colour before and, frankly, I don't feel like checking right now, so if I have and they were actually a different color—and you somehow remember that—then, I'm sorry…his eyes are now hazel, like James's. That's something to read in to, isn't it now?)**

"Well, I've certainly missed you these past months," Jarrett said sweetly, and Lily suddenly felt queasy with guilt. She wanted nothing more than to squirm out of his grip, but she resisted this temptation with difficulty. Instead, she forced another smile.

"I've missed you, too," she ground out as if reciting a bible verse. When he leaned in for a short kiss, a fleeting image of her somewhat longer kiss earlier that day shot unbidden through her mind and she tensed.

"You alright?" Jarrett asked, pulling back anxiously.

"Yeah, I'm—I'm fine," Lily choked, her voice sounding far away. "Really, I'm just tired."

Jarrett watched her suspiciously for a moment as though worried (for good reason, Lily thought) that it wasn't just the lack of sleep that was bothering her.

"Alright," he finally said. "I suppose you should get some rest then. Tomorrow will be quite eventful, I suppose, since we don't have wands. Then again, you _have_ already cheated," he added, smiling softly. Lily gave him a truly genuine smile in return.

"Goodnight," she whispered, leaning over and pecking him once on the cheek. She turned onto her other side and Jarrett wrapped a firm arm around her waist, pulling her to him in a tight embrace. Lily tried without hope to feel comfortable, guilt still pulling painfully at her heart and a desire for the continuation of that forbidden kiss wreaking havoc in her tired body.

* * *

James lay back on the hard ground, hands behind his head, and stared intensely above him, completely oblivious to the sound of Sirius snoring loudly from the sleeping bag next to him.

Countless questions devoid of logical answers swam before his eyes like an endless school of fish. Patiently, he began to sift through his emotions one-by-one, examining each one in full to figure out what he was really feeling. He could hardly think when they all seemed to be playing pinball inside his restless body.

First of all, there was that ever-present feeling of immense stupidity. _Once she finally pulled away, I should have left it at that, walked away,_ he thought miserably. _But no, I had to go and kiss her again…God I'm an idiot. Then again,_ he tried to reason with himself, _really I was just…in the moment…not really thinking. _He paused at this thought, and then shook his head. _Who am I kidding? I wanted it…_

After this followed the guilt, which seemed to spread like a disease throughout his defenseless mind. He groaned in frustration whenever the fact that Lily had a boyfriend resurfaced. Not to mention, they had been dating for over a year, which made it the kind of relationship you _just don't mess with_. There was _definitely_ no way to reason himself out of that one.

What was more, not only had James kissed a girl with a long-term boyfriend, but he had cursed Nadine a thousand times for walking in right then. _It was like Sirius said, _he thought somewhat frantically, _I only wanted it because she was "a hot girl throwing herself at me." _He groaned again, knowing that had almost nothing to do with it. Of course it played a little part, but Lily wasn't just some "hot girl." She was Lily Evans, the girl who had grown up in the house right next to him, the girl he had loved more than anyone five years ago, the girl that used to keep his mind wired at night to the point that he couldn't sleep….He shook his head, clearing it of those intrusive thoughts, knowing they would only serve to haunt him. He moved on to the next emotion.

Jealousy. James wrapped his fingers tightly around his hair once more and pulled hard, trying to erase the word from his vocabulary. He wasn't supposed to jealous of the man dating Lily Evans. He wasn't supposed to care…but he did. He felt sick every time Jarrett so much as smiled at her and even sicker when she smiled back. What made it worse, however, was that Jarrett Makin seemed like a nice guy. James had never had a real conversation with the guy so he couldn't really know, but there was nothing about him that seemed…unworthy of Lily's undivided attention. James pulled harder at his hair, thinking of all those Muggle movies that were sort of like this, only the "boyfriend" always turned out to be a real jerk in the end and the girl went back to her true love. James didn't foresee that happening in this tale and the thought somehow made him sink into a deeper depression than the one he'd already been drowning in.

This feeling brought out the anger in him. What right did she have to kiss him like that, make him feel this way when _she _was in such a serious relationship? Regardless of what happened with James, she still had Jarrett who was clearly head-over-heels in love with her and who would probably feel that way despite how she treated him. Not to mention, _she _had been the one who had up and left five years ago. Why did she think she could just do whatever she wanted without any consequences?

Of course, James knew there was more to it than that. He fully realized that she wasn't simply doing "whatever she wanted", but the anger seemed to be the easiest emotion to feel, and so he allowed it to course through him, bit by bit.

He rolled over onto his stomach and shut his eyes, trying hopelessly to sleep.

* * *

Lily awoke to the peculiar comfort of an empty bed. She rolled over, wondering vaguely where Jarrett had gone to, but the sound of a shower running gave her the answer to that question. She opened her eyes briefly, but the burning rays of sunshine flowing in through the canopy of the tent blinded her, and she shut them again, groaning.

Eyes still closed, she rolled out of the bed and felt around for a sweatshirt to pull over her tank top. Eventually she got it on and ventured out into the hallway where, thankfully, it was darker and she hesitantly opened her eyes.

"Good morning, Sunshine!" Nadine said cheerily and Lily spun around, startled. She groaned again as a burst of light from the open tent flap met her tired eyes. "Sleep well?"

"I hate how cheery you are in the mornings," Lily replied bitterly, taking the hot cup of coffee that Nadine offered her with a stiff nod of thanks.

"Glad to hear it," Nadine replied, circling around Lily and heading toward the kitchen area.

"What time is it?" Lily asked, following her and sitting down at the rickety table.

"Almost eight," Nadine replied happily and Lily rolled her eyes.

"Is everyone else up?"

"Mostly," Nadine said, her brow furrowing slightly. "Only person I haven't seen yet is James."

Lily choked on her coffee as the memory of what had happened the day before came flooding back all at once and that same sick feeling from before settle once more into the pit of her stomach.

"I asked Sirius if he was okay," Nadine continued, throwing Lily a napkin but otherwise completely ignoring her friend's reaction as she bustled around the kitchen, apparently making pancakes. "He said James is just tired, that he didn't get much sleep last night."

"So…so does that mean that Sirius…he knows what happened yesterday?" Lily stammered, knowing the answer already. Nadine raised her eyebrows skeptically.

"Lily, James and Sirius tell each other everything," she said simply. Lily looked down at the coffee in her hands.

"Did he—did he say anything? Sirius, I mean," she asked hesitantly.

"What would he have said?" Nadine asked a little too casually.

"Nadine...I _kissed_ James," Lily said, hating the words. "If Sirius doesn't have something to say about that, then—"

"Jarrett, good morning!" Nadine suddenly said loudly, staring somewhere behind Lily's left shoulder. Lily froze, waiting for his response.

"Good morning to you, too," he replied happily, leaning around Lily to peck her on the cheek, then taking the seat next to her. Lily worked hard not to sight with relief; he hadn't heard. "Sleep well?" he asked her and Lily nodded, trying to make her body relax.

"Very well," she lied, smiling at him. "Sorry I was so…odd last night, I was just—"

"Tired, I know," he grinned, gratefully accepting the coffee Nadine set in front of him. "So," he said, looking between the two girls, "what's on the agenda for today?"

"Nothing exciting, I'm sure," Lily said unenthusiastically.

"You'll have to talk to Sirius about that one, I'm afraid," Nadine said, ignoring her friend. "He's the one calling all the shots."

"He seen this place yet?" Jarrett asked amusedly and Lily glared at him playfully.

"No, and if you tell him, I swear you'll have hell to pay," she said warningly, but the slight smile on her face ruined the effect of the threat and Jarrett merely grinned.

"We'll see about that," he said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Nadine…"

The voice behind her made Lily's heart freeze. Nadine whipped around to face him, her eyes widening slightly for a split second before she smiled.

"James!" she greeted him. "You're awake."

"Morning, James," Jarrett said pleasantly, nodding at him. Lily didn't dare turn around.

"Morning," James replied stiffly, though Lily doubted that Jarrett had noticed for he simply smiled and returned to his coffee.

"Did you need something?" Nadine asked.

"Yeah, Padfoot just told me he wanted to talk to you," James said. "Lazy ass can't come in here himself…"

"Well, that's Sirius for you," Nadine said, walking swiftly around the table, heading for the outdoors. "You're welcome to some coffee or pancakes, James," she called behind her shoulder, and she was gone.

Lily silently cursed Nadine for that, promising herself that she'd hurt her friend later.

"Care to join us?" Jarrett asked, gesturing to the empty chair beside him, across from Lily.

"No, thanks, I'm not much of a breakfast person," James said, and Lily could hear the grin in his voice. She wanted to turn around, to see if that grin was forced or if it had appeared naturally.

"No, you should stay," Jarrett said, and Lily bit her lip. "Breakfast is good for you; not to mention Nadine's pancakes are the work of magic…no pun intended, of course."

"No, really, I should just—"

"Nonsense," Jarrett said. "I insist. You're too skinny anyways. You and Lily both…"

"Jarrett, if he doesn't want any breakfast—" Lily started, speaking for the first time.

"No, it's fine," James cut her off, circling around her and heading toward the pile of pancakes on the counter. "I'll stay. It's true, Nadine's pancakes are to die for."

Lily stared fixedly down at the warm mug in her hands as James pulled out the chair that Jarrett had indicated, the one directly across from her. There was nerve-wracking silence for a brief moment as James noiselessly spread butter and poured syrup on his breakfast and Jarrett pulled a magazine from the table closer to himself to read the cover. He discarded it quickly, realizing it was one of Nadine's trashy magazines.

"So, James," he said suddenly and it took all of Lily's effort not to squirm with uneasiness. "Didn't see much of you yesterday…"

"No, yeah I was just tired from the trip," James said easily. "Didn't get a lot of sleep on the bus."

Lily knew this was a lie, but she still didn't have the courage to speak or even look up.

"Yeah, I heard you guys came here on a bus," Jarrett said, sounding impressed. "It's been _years_ since I've been on a bus. Was it as bad as they used to be?"

"Eh," James said after swallowing. "Could have been worse, I suppose. Though I _did _steer clear of the bathroom in the back."

Jarrett laughed.

"Yeah, well who wouldn't?" he said, grinning. "What about you, Lils, you've been quiet. How'd you find the atmosphere?"

Lily managed a shaky smile as she looked up at her boyfriend, carefully avoiding James's eyes.

"I can't say I enjoyed it much," she said and Jarrett smiled back at her. He opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius Black was always to be counted upon. Right at that moment, he stuck his head through flap in the tent.

"Oi, Jarrett!" he called and Lily's heart jumped into her throat, knowing what he was about to do. "Come here a minute, there's something I wanna show you!"

"Sirius, we're having breakfast!" Lily called frantically before Jarrett could answer. Sirius laughed.

"Nice try, Lils, but we don't really have anything other than apples and I'm thinking Jarrett can carry his outside," he said and Lily bit her lip, having forgotten that Sirius couldn't see the magic folded into the tent.

"It's fine, I'm sure I'll just be a few minutes," Jarrett said kindly, misinterpreting her dread at being completely alone with James—who was still somehow thoughtfully chewing on his pancakes—with a desire for him to stay with her. Lily nodded miserably, knowing there was nothing she could do except maybe kill Sirius later.

Jarrett slowly stood up, draining the rest of his coffee. He kissed Lily quickly on the mouth, and then he was gone.

* * *

James watched Lily's tense, almost hunched-over form, and took another bite of his delicious pancakes, chewing slowly. Lily was watching her coffee, which she hadn't taken a sip of since he'd arrived, her hair creating a red curtain around her soft face.

"You that afraid to be in the same room with me?" he asked suddenly and Lily grimaced, her eyes closing involuntarily. James raised his eyebrows. "I suppose that's a yes," he said wryly.

There was silence for another moment as James continued to eat and Lily to stare hard at her drink. He didn't take his gaze off of her once, his eyes lingering over her uptight form.

"You don't have to sit here with me, you know," he said, his voice quiet and calm. "You could leave."

Lily took a deep, shuddering breath and raised her head just enough so that her hair didn't _completely_ cover her face. She stared now at a spot on the table somewhere in between the two of them.

"That would be rude," she said almost inaudibly and James couldn't hold back a bitter laugh as a sudden surge of disbelieving anger coursed through him.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh," he said apologetically, a pleasant smile still hovering around his lips. "It's just…I didn't actually know that the word 'rude' held any meaning for you."

For the first time, her emerald eyes snapped up to meet his, and they were surprised, hurt even. James didn't allow himself to feel bad.

"James, I didn't—" she started quickly, but he cut her off.

"Or did you think kissing your ex-boyfriend that you left without warning five years ago was polite? Not to mention the fact that you happen to be in a relationship with someone else…" he said, his voice hard now, though still remarkably quiet.

"James, I wasn't thinking, I just—"

"Well, that's for sure," James said angrily, standing up and dumping the rest of his breakfast into the trash can. He went to the sink to rinse the plate of syrup, unwilling now to meet her eyes, afraid that they would be overflowing with tears. He had the ability to push back the regret of making her feel bad, but not of making her cry. He couldn't stand that, no matter how angry he was with her.

"I'm _sorry_," she said pleadingly, and James could tell she had stood up as well, but he didn't know how close she was. He continued to rinse the plate even though it was perfectly clean of the sticky substance. "I'm sorry, I know it was so _stupid_, and I just—"

"Why, Lily?" he asked, dropping the plate with a clatter into the sink and turning to face her. She was about six feet away, staring at him with imploring eyes, her hands twisting anxiously together in front of her. "Why did you do it?"

"I—I don't know," she faltered, not meeting his eyes again, and even though James didn't much like this answer, he couldn't bear what came next. "I think I…I mean, I just…I wanted to…"

"Don't—!" James said loudly, his eyes suddenly wide. "Don't…say that, please."

"Why?" Lily asked, startled.

"Because I just—you can't say that to me," he said, suddenly unable to explain himself properly. He had been so prepared to yell at her some more, to make her feel horrible for what she'd done (as though she already didn't), but her answer had caught him off guard. "You _shouldn't_ say that to me," he mumbled after a moment.

"James, I—I don't understand—" Lily said and James could hear the tears in her voice now. He couldn't stay there.

"I have to go," he said quietly, and he made to move around her towards the tent flap.

"No, wait, please—" Lily said, grabbing his wrist frantically; James felt an electric shock go through his body at the contact. He turned back to her. "Let go," he said quietly but firmly, trying to ignore the tears swimming in her wide eyes.

"No, not until you tell me why—"

"Let go, Lily!" he said loudly this time.

"No!" Lily said again, but her voice broke, ruining the effect of her declaration. James sighed, closing his eyes and rubbing them hard with his free hand.

"I can't do this when you're crying, just…let go," he said, trying to make his voice softer. "We'll talk about it later…"

Lily stared at him for a moment, the tears still waiting precariously on the edges of her eyes, threatening to spill over. Then, finally, she released his wrist and turned away, wiping the traitorous droplets away. James stared at her back for a moment, and then swept quickly out of the tent, his head swimming with new emotions.

**Oh man, I wrote this one pretty fast, you should love me. I really got into this one and I'm pretty sure it's a good chapter. I do hope I'm not the only one. It's a lot more of emotions and thoughts than some of the other ones. Well, I think it is. Keep in mind, however, that this chapter was written insanely quickly and I didn't actually go through and edit it, so there might be a lot of repetition of words or phrases that I just didn't edit out. If that annoys you, sorry. Overall, I think it's alright.**

**I'd also like to say that this is the longest chapter I have written so far, which is pretty fun.**

**Thanks for your comments on the last one, by the way, totally can't wait to hear more.**

**REVIEW!!! Please?**

**Lillian James**


	10. Interviews and Unexpected Truths

**READ: Okay, first of all. My computer is being an absolute jackass. So I'm sorry if there aren't any page breaks in this chapter. You might just have to figure out where one part ends and the next begins by yourselves, but I'm thinking you're all pretty smart people so I think you can handle it.**

**So yeah, you have every right to hate me. I haven't updated in like a year. Literally. Maybe not QUITE that long but close. And I don't have a legitimate excuse except that I didn't know what to do with this chapter. And I wrote parts of it over and over and over again and I'm still not happy with it. So whatever. I'll try to get the next chapter up faster. I've already got some parts of it written so hopefully it'll go faster.**

**Sorry for the wait. Hope you don't hate me too much.**

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except the people, places and things you _don't_ recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work._

**Interviews and Unexpected Truths**

"He hates me, doesn't he?"

Lily mumbled the words, refusing to meet Sirius's eyes as she fidgeted with her shoestring. They were sitting outside on a stone picnic table in New York City. Sirius watched her intently for a moment as a light breeze swept over them, blowing Lily's hair around her face.

"He doesn't hate you, Lily," he said quietly, his eyes still boring into her face.

"That can't be true," Lily muttered, swallowing hard.

"Don't be stupid," Sirius said, and Lily was surprised to find that he sounded angry. "You know perfectly well James Potter could _never _hate you."

"He _should_," she muttered. "And he must! It doesn't make _sense_ for him to not hate me, Sirius! He _has_ to hate me!"

"Do you _want_ him to hate you?"

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"_Do_ you?"

"Of course not!" Lily said heatedly, looking up into Sirius's face defiantly.

"Then stop trying to convince yourself that he does!" Sirius shot back, glaring. "He _is _angry, Lily, but he doesn't hate you; he's just…frustrated."

"Well, at least he has sense enough to be angry," Lily said. "Even if he doesn't hate me like he should," she added under her breath. Sirius pursed his lips but didn't say anything leaving Lily to ponder her emotions for a moment.

"Lily," he said suddenly, and Lily jumped, almost having forgotten he was there. He was watching her curiously now, his annoyed expression gone. "Why does it make you angry that James doesn't hate you?"

Lily stared at him and wondered if he knew that was the exact question she had been asking herself. She knew the answer, but it hurt to admit. She looked back down at her shoes and fiddled with her shoelace again.

"I've hurt him too much to deserve anything more than hatred from him," she said quietly. "And the fact that he _doesn't_ hate me is horrible because…well, it makes me feel even more guilty, and it reminds me of—of why I was with him in the first place…"

"So…so really, you kind of _do_ want him to hate you?" Sirius asked gently, and Lily nodded miserably.

"I do and I don't," she said. "If he did, it would kill me…but since he doesn't, it's screwing with my head, and I don't know what to think…"

Sirius nodded but again didn't respond, and Lily continued to avoid his gaze. It was another few minutes before Sirius finally broke the silence.

"C'mon," he said, standing up and stretching. "Let's get some food."

Lily forced a small smile and followed suit. Sirius smiled back and wrapped a tight arm around her shoulders, leading her back towards their hotel

_Knock knock knock_

Lily stuck her head out of the bathroom door, wondering who would be visiting at this hour. Still drying her hair with a towel, she exited the bathroom and pulled the hotel room door open to find Remus standing there, hands shoved deep in his pockets, looking weary but cheerful.

"Remus," she said in surprise, opening the door wider. "What's up?"

Remus shrugged with a small smile.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"Oh, of course," Lily said, ushering him in. "Yeah, make yourself comfortable."

"Do you mind if I…?" he trailed off, gesturing towards the mini bar.

"No, go right ahead."

Remus extracted a bottle of red wine and two glasses as he spoke.

"So I was sitting alone in my room, and I realized that you and I haven't really talked yet," he said.

Lily threw the towel under the sink in the bathroom and entered the living room area of her suite, accepting the glass from Remus on her way.

"I don't know what you mean; we talk all the—"

"No, I mean _really _talked. Alone," Remus cut her off as they sat down on opposite ends of the couch, facing each other. "Like we used to."

"Oh," said Lily, smiling at the memories that flashed through her head. "Yeah, that's true."

"So I decided it was about time," he continued.

"Oh?" Lily asked amusedly. "At two in the morning?"

"Hey, you took a shower at two in the morning; why can't I visit an old friend? Besides…I knew you'd be awake."

"Is that so?" Lily asked, sipping at her wine. "How did you know that?"

Remus smiled slightly, raising his eyes to meet hers.

"You're too much like James," he replied. "He doesn't sleep enough either."

"Ah, well," said Lily quietly. "Yes, we did always have that in common I suppose. We'd stay up all night sometimes talking about absolutely nothing."

"I remember," Remus said, grinning. "'Cause then he'd miss class the next day and you'd yell at him for it."

"Well, I don't see why he should be allowed to miss when I was perfectly capable of making it there," Lily replied haughtily.

"Hey, I'm with you," Remus said, nodding in agreement.

They sat in companionable silence for a moment, each of them sipping wine and staring into the warm fire.

"So," said Remus suddenly, setting his glass down on the table in front of them. "Speaking of James…I heard you two had an interesting confrontation on our little camping trip…"

"Ah, he told you about that, did he?" Lily asked, sighing. "Can't say I'm surprised. You guys are like girls; you tell each other _everything_…"

"You tell Nadine everything," Remus said fairly.

"We _are_ girls, Remmy," Lily said pointedly, grinning. Remus smiled slightly as well.

"That's quite true," he said, nodding. "Okay, I concede it then; we Marauders are actually a band of girls."

"At least you admit it," Lily said, laughing.

"Anyways, we're off topic," Remus said, serious again. "We were talking about you kissing James—"

"He kissed me, too!"

"However, you initiated it, did you not?"

Lily looked away guiltily and didn't answer.

"I'm not here to berate you about it," Remus continued quietly. "I just feel like I should put in my two cents."

"I know you've got more than two cents to put in, Remus," Lily said dryly. "What's worse is you're always right. About everything."

"You flatter me," he replied, smiling. "But really, Lils, I'm not here to make you feel bad or guilty. I'm just here to give you the facts."

"Which _will_ make me feel bad and guilty," she interjected miserably. Remus grimaced.

"Well, that's possible," he admitted. "But you need to hear it."

"Fine…go on, then. It's not like I've got anything better to do at two in the morning."

Remus picked up his glass, took a few more sips of wine, then set it back down again before he began.

"A lot happened after you left, Lily," he said; his tone was light, but there was a hard quality to his eyes as he spoke. "Some things more prominent than others, but all of them very influential on our lives."

"Like what?" Lily asked before she could stop herself. Remus observed her silently for a moment, his gaze scrutinizing as though he was sizing her up.

"I'm not quite at liberty to say," he said after a moment. "They're really things you need to hear from James…"

"But you said…'our lives?'" Lily asked confusedly. "Doesn't that mean it involved you as well?"

"Well, it's a bit tricky," Remus said, sighing. "But I'll tell you what I can. About three years ago, James kind of…let himself go. What I mean is, he let his emotions catch up with him. And the outcome wasn't pretty.

"As you well know, he'd always had a tendency to become rather depressed at times, but it was never really a serious thing. Something would trigger it; he'd become very detached; and then he'd get over it in a few days.

"But this was different. Entirely different. It was like he wasn't even James anymore. He hardly ever slept, and when he did it was only for an hour or two. He wouldn't eat either. Sirius basically had to shove food and drink down his throat or he'd have starved. He wouldn't ever really talk to Peter and me; only Sirius, and only just a little bit. Occasionally we'd come over and find he'd broken or destroyed half of his possessions. It eventually got so bad that we had to take him to get professional help—"

"Remus…" Lily said suddenly, her voice shaky. She felt as though someone was squeezing her heart. "Why are you—?"

"It's something you need to know, Lily," Remus said, cutting her off. His tone was soft, and his eyes were apologetic. "James would never tell you all this himself, and Sirius would be too afraid of hurting you to let you know. But I know you can handle it, and you have to know."

"Why do I have to know?" Lily asked pleadingly.

"Because, Lily," he replied, his voice remorseful. "You have the potential (whether or not you realize it) to send James spiraling back into that depression. Just being around you is hard enough for him, but seeing that you're happy and in love with someone else is killing him. He would never admit to it of course; he would say he's just tired from all the traveling and the shows. But he's very aware that he's lying to himself."

"He…he hasn't _seemed_ that distressed," Lily said hopefully, as if maybe she thought Remus would laugh it off and tell her he was just joking. But he only smiled sadly.

"Yes, that's the most dangerous thing about James," he said. "Somewhere along the way he learned how to act like he was alright. It's very deceiving if you're not watching carefully. It's only natural that _you_ wouldn't be looking too closely. It would be much easier for you to blame yourself if you did."

"Well, from what I've gathered, it…it _is_ my fault," Lily said weakly.

"You can't place the blame on just one person or thing, Lily," Remus said reasonably. "I'm not gonna lie and say what you did didn't do a bit of damage, but that wasn't what triggered the long fall. It was a mixture of things, piled one on top of the other that happened throughout those two years after we left school."

"Like what, Remus? You keep talking about these things, like something terrible happened, but—"

"I already told you, Lily," Remus said, sighing. "James has to be the one to tell you about all that. It's not fair for me to say."

"Fine," Lily said, groaning miserably. "Then why are you telling me all of this? Where are you headed with this?"

"I just felt like you needed to know the truth about James's emotional state before you—well, before you go kissing him again—"

"That was just a—a random, impulsive, stupid, _stupid_ thing, Remus!" Lily cut him off beseechingly. "It didn't mean anything, it was just—"

"It doesn't matter what it meant, Lily, that isn't the point," he said calmly. "Like I said, I'm not here trying to make you feel bad about it. I just need to impress upon you the possible ramifications should you ever express any…feelings towards James at all. It doesn't matter what he says or what he does; he's never going to be completely over you. And—even though I know it wasn't what you meant to do—you can't go messing with his head like that."

"But it wasn't what I—"

"I _know_, Lily," Remus said reassuringly. "I'm just saying that James can't afford to believe you feel something for him if there's not chance that you do."

Lily looked away, feeling wretched. As much as she hated it, Remus was right for telling her. She'd known James was different than he had been at school, but she hadn't realized how much so. And no matter what Remus said, she knew that what she did to James had to be one of the biggest reasons he had fallen so hard into that cycle of life.

"I'm sorry, Lils," Remus said after a moment, his eyes pained. Lily shook her head with a forced smile.

"Don't be," she said. "It's good that you told me. I—I'll try not to be so…misleading in the future."

"Thank you," he replied, smiling slightly. "I just don't think I could stand to watch James go through that all again…"

"Yeah…" Lily said vaguely, her mind on what James must have been like during that time.

"Alright, well…I guess we should get some sleep, then," Remus said, standing up. Lily stood too and followed him to the door where he pulled her into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry to put all this on you right now," he said softly. "I know this is all a lot for you, too."

"It's okay," Lily said, her arms tightening around him for just a moment before she let him go. "Now, go on, you. Get outta here."

Remus smiled and left, closing the door softly behind him, leaving Lily alone with her thoughts.

"You look _fine_, Lily; quit fidgeting!"

"I'm not worried about how I _look_, Nadine!" Lily said impatiently. "I'm worried about this stupid interview. It's bad enough that they delve into my personal life, but what happens when these reporters find out that James and I used to be…involved?"

"What makes you so sure this woman knows about that?" Nadine asked.

"Well, I don't really know if she knows; I'm just…afraid she does," Lily said nervously, pacing around the dressing room. "And I haven't talked to James since the camping trip, and I just…it would just be really awkward if it came up…"

"Look, if she knew, I'm sure it would have already made it in the headlines," Nadine said reassuringly. "People would be quite fascinated to learn about the history between you two, I promise. They wouldn't be able to stop talking about it. I mean, it would be a _huge_ story—"

"You know, Nadi, you're not really helping," Lily said pointedly.

"Right. Sorry."

"Lils? You dressed yet?"

Sirius peeked his head in through the dressing room door and looked around through squinty eyes.

"Yes, Sirius, I'm dressed," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "But thanks for waiting for confirmation before taking a peek."

"You know me," Sirius said with a wink. "Come on, the interview's about to start."

Lily followed Sirius into the brightly lit room where five chairs were set up in front of one other chair and a video camera. James and Peter were sitting in two of the chairs and Remus was chatting with a short woman with long brown hair and brown eyes and a tall man with brown hair and blue eyes. Lily assumed the woman was the interviewer.

"Here, Lilykins, _you_ can sit in the middle!" Sirius said, gesturing towards the chair next to James. Lily opened her mouth to protest, but Sirius dragged her towards it and sat her down forcefully. "It's just more symmetrical that way, my dear. And look! I can sit next to you now!"

"Oh, joy," Lily said sarcastically.

"Alright, shall we get started then?" the woman Remus had been talking to asked as Sirius plopped down in the seat next to Lily's with a boyish grin.

"Good morning everyone," said the interviewer as she sat down opposite them. "I'm Kim Starks and this is my camera man, Larry Baxter. Firstly, if it's not too impertinent, I'd just like to say I'm a big fan of you guys."

"Well, thank you; we're big fans of yours, too," Sirius said with a flirtatious wink. Lily rolled her eyes and elbowed him in the ribs. He nudged her back playfully.

"Alright, well, I suppose my first question would have to be…how's the tour going so far?" Kim Starks asked, looking at each of them in turn with a big smile.

"It's been absolutely grand," Sirius said immediately. "Never had more fun in my life."

"Yeah, and the concerts have gone spectacularly," Remus added. "I didn't imagine we'd be able to do so many and stay on top of everything, but it's been pretty good."

"How about you, Lily?" Kim Starks asked, smiling at Lily as she addressed her. "How's it been traveling around with four guys for that past few months?"

"Oh, but we aren't just 'four guys,' Kim," Sirius said seriously before Lily could even open her mouth. "Lily's known us for years."

"Really?"

"Yes, we were buddies in school," Sirius continued, nodding. "Actually, if you want the juicy stuff, she and James here—"

"—have known each other our whole lives!" Lily cut in loudly, elbowing Sirius hard enough that he grunted in pain. She suspected Remus, who was sitting on his other side, had done the same because he was clutching both of his sides and glaring back and forth between them.

"Oh, is that so?" Kim asked; she seemed to have missed the oddness of the situation.

"Yes, James and I have known each other since…well, since we were born pretty much," Lily said with a nervous laugh. "We grew up right across the street from one another."

"Oh, so did you all keep in touch after school?"

Lily shifted uncomfortably, but the answer James returned gave nothing away.

"Well, you know how it is," he said, smiling. "There's so much going on; you're trying to sort out your life. You just kind of lose touch."

"Speaking of life after school," Kim said, looking down at her notes. "Lily, you almost immediately pursued singing, right? But you boys, what did you do for those three years before you decided it was time to go for the music business as well?"

"Well, I guess you could say we were all sort of in different places at that time," Remus said thoughtfully. "We all kind of had different careers in mind, but none of them really worked out in the end."

"Yeah, not to mention there was a lot of stuff we had to work through for a couple of years before we could really concentrate on music," Peter chipped in.

"Like what?"

"Oh, just, you know…this and that," James said quickly before anyone else could answer. "Really just normal, every day stuff."

"Well, I wouldn't call it _every_ day—ow!" Sirius cut off as Remus elbowed him again.

"What do you mean?" Kim asked, confused, looking from Sirius to James who was glaring murderously at his best friend.

"Just…well, I mean, just a lot of stuff happened when we left school," Sirius said, shrugging. "But they're right, it's just a lot of normal stuff. Nothing particularly interesting."

"Right…" Kim said, sounding suspicious. "Well, I know that you, James, must have gone through a rough time there for a while?"

"What do you mean?" James asked, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"Well, we know you lost your father near the end of your sixth year at Hogwarts, and then two years later your mother, Elizabeth, passed away as well—"

Kim cut off abruptly as Lily gave a clear and audible gasp, her hand clenched so tightly around Sirius's arm she was sure her nails were digging into his skin. Eyes wide and heart full of absolute terror, she turned her head to stare at James. His eyes had fluttered closed and his expression was somewhat pained. It was obvious that this was not something he had intended to let her find out…

"Sirius…" Lily whispered, turning towards him desperately. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Instead he just shook his head, his eyes despairing.

"Is something the matter?" Kim asked, sounding concerned.

Lily just looked at her, tears building steadily in her eyes and her heart hammering so hard against her ribs she was sure everyone could hear it.

"N-no, I just…I just need a little b-break," she stuttered, getting unsteadily to her feet. "If you'll just…excuse me please…"

"Lily…" James said softly, also standing.

"Don't, James!" she choked, and she swept quickly away from them all, shrugged off Nadine at the door and ran as fast as she could back to her dressing room where she slid down to the floor and sobbed helplessly to her knees.

**And there you go. End of Chapter Ten. I think. I'm working on the next one. So keep reading. ******** REVIEW! Please.**

**Lillian James**


	11. Of Old and New

**Alright, so, this chapter's kind of short, but I think it's pretty good. So I hope you enjoy it.**

**becKT—I totally agree with pretty everything you said, and really what needs to happen is I need to rewrite this entire story, and I should **_**really**_** write it from James's point of view. So one day I'm going to do that, but not yet because I feel like I should finish it first. And a lot of the things you said were actually going to happen in this chapter anyways, so yay. Well, maybe just one of the things you said, I can't remember. But yeah, I know what you mean and one day I'm gonna fix it.**

**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except the people, places and things you _don't_ recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work._

**Of Old and New**

_James listened intently at the door for any sign that Lily might still be awake. He stood there for several minutes, but he couldn't hear her stirring at all. He'd just made up his mind to leave again when he heard a door open from within the room, and he spun back around. Next came the unmistakable sounds of someone padding softly across the room. His heart lifting just slightly, he raised his hand and knocked twice. _

_The door was opened after only a few seconds, but the sight of Lily didn't make him feel quite as good as he'd hoped it would. She tried to smile when their gazes met, but it didn't reach her eyes._

"_Hey," James said softly, taking in her features with some concern._

"_Hi," she replied, her voice slightly scratchy._

"_Can I come in?" he asked a little hesitantly. Lily frowned._

"_I hate that you think you have to ask," she said, stepping aside and opening the door a little bit wider so he could enter. "Have I really been _that_ distant these past few days?" she asked, closing the door again and turning to face him, still frowning. James shrugged and grimaced slightly._

"_I'm probably just looking into it more than I should be," he said. "Mum's pretty worried about you, too, though."_

"_Oh," Lily said, looking a little ashamed. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't be acting like this when she's being so wonderful. I'll apologize to her tomorrow."_

"_You don't have to apologize, Lils," James said, stepping closer and pushing her hair out of her eyes gently. She smiled faintly at the touch. "This can't be easy for you," he continued softly, looking down into her sad eyes, which slowly filled with silent tears._

"_I miss him so much," she whispered, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "I just—nothing f-feels the same…It doesn't even feel like Christmas…"_

"_I know," James said, kissing her forehead lightly and wrapping his arms tightly around her. Lily pulled closer to him, burying her face in the crook of his neck._

"_I'm sorry," she said again, her voice muffled._

"_Quit apologizing," James said quietly in her ear. Lily sniffed and rested her chin on his shoulder._

"_I'm glad I'm here with you," she whispered, and James kissed her temple lightly._

"_Me too," he murmured. "You don't have to hide from me, you know. Or mum. We know what you're going through, love."_

"_That's _why_ I'm hiding," she sniffed, pulling away and looking up into his face. "I don't want you to have to go through all that again just because of me—"_

"_Don't be ridiculous, Lily," James cut her off, his thumb tracing her jaw. "He was your father. You don't have to act like you're fine around us. I want to know when you're sad, Lily. I like to think maybe I can comfort you somehow…even if I can't or if I'm no good at it. I have to know I'm doing something."_

_Lily granted him a watery smile._

"_You're better at it than you think you are," she said. "I just didn't want to bring you down, especially not at Christmas…"_

"_Believe me, Petals, not knowing how to help you makes me so much crazier than you realize," James said, his eyes roving her tearstained face once more. "You gotta keep me in the loop or I'm gonna go mad, I swear…"_

_Lily bit her lip to keep it from trembling and nodded._

"_Now," James said, smiling softly and wrapping his arms around her waist. "I haven't gotten to kiss you in days."_

_Lily truly smiled this time and slid her own arms around his neck as he lowered his face and moved his lips gently over her own._

**PAGE BREAK**

_Knock knock knock_

James looked up from the Quidditch magazine he was reading, wondering who'd be knocking on his door. Usually his friends just walked in. He got up, threw the magazine aside and opened the door with interest. At first all he saw was a train of long red hair, but then Lily turned to face him; her eyes were rather red and bloodshot, and she had her arms pulled tightly around herself as though she was afraid she might fall apart.

"Can I come in?" she asked. Her expression was unreadable, and her voice sounded scratchy. James hesitated for a fraction of a second, fully aware of what would ensue should he let her in, but he couldn't exactly refuse. So he held the door open wider and stepped aside so she could enter.

"I gotta say, I'm a little surprised to see you," he remarked, shutting the door and following her back into the room. She walked all the way to the window and stared out of it for a moment before she turned to face him.

"You're surprised?" she asked.

"Well," said James, sinking down onto his bed and looking up at her. "I've hardly seen hide nor hair of you in five days…"

"You don't seem too upset about it," she said, her blank expression shifting just a little bit.

"Should I be?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. For a moment Lily looked as though she had been slapped, but she managed to re-mask herself relatively quickly.

"I…I decided it was about time we talked about…what happened in New York," she said, ignoring his hurtful comment.

"Anything in particular you'd like to discuss?" he asked, and for a moment she simply stared at him as though she couldn't quite believe her ears.

"How about we start with the fact that your mother is dead," she said bluntly. James shrugged.

"What about it? She's been dead for four years."

Lily blanched, and James felt a small twinge of guilt, but he pushed it aside as best he could. He was done allowing himself to feel sorry for her.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" she asked, composing her features once more.

James sighed, stood up and made his way to the mini bar.

"Does it matter?" he asked, pulling out two small bottles and standing up straight again. "You know now…"

He offered her one of the bottles, but she didn't seem to notice; she just stared at him, her eyes wide and her mouth open slightly. He shrugged and leaned back against the dresser, opening one of the tiny bottles and setting the other one down beside him.

"How are you being so—so _callous_ about this?" Lily asked, watching as he took a long swig of the drink. Her voice shook as she spoke, but James couldn't tell whether it was out of outrage or despair.

"Well, this is new," he replied lightly, observing the bottle in his hand with interest. "_You _calling _me_ callous…a bit hypocritical, don't you think?"

"We're not discussing _me_ right now, James!" she said heatedly, her cheeks coloring with anger.

"Then, what, pray tell, are we discussing?" James asked frigidly, turning to look her in the face. "Simply the fact that I didn't tell you about my dead mother? Because, believe you me, there's more to that story than me forgetting to drop a note, Lily."

"I'm not under that impression that you just _forgot_ to tell me, James!" she said loudly. "I'm well aware that it was a purposeful act!"

"Well, good. I'm not sure what else we could have to discuss then," he replied, shrugging and draining the rest of the bottle.

"What are you talking about?" she nearly shouted, taking a seemingly involuntary step towards him. "How can you even _say_ that?"

"By opening my mouth and forming words," James said coldly, setting the empty bottle down and opening the other one slowly.

"Why are you being such a bastard?!" Lily yelled. This time, James was quite sure the trembling quality to her voice resulted from rage.

"I'm hardly being a bastard, Lily," he replied calmly, taking a long drink. "But if I'm bothering you, why don't you just leave?"

"No!" she said furiously. "I'm not leaving until we talk!"

"About what?"

"You _know_ what!" she shouted.

"I don't want to have this conversation with you, Lily," James said evenly, looking her in the eyes.

"Well, that's too bad, isn't it?" she replied curtly, moving so that she was standing directly in front of him, her arms still pulled tightly around her body.

"Let me rephrase that," James said, his voice harder now. "I'm _not _having this conversation with you."

"Yes—you are!" she said through clenched teeth. "I deserve an explanation!"

"No, Lily, you don't!" James said loudly, some of the resentment he'd been reserving seeping through his cold mask. "You don't 'deserve' anything from me!"

"How could you not tell me, James?" Lily asked, her voice half-angry, half-disbelieving. "I just—how?"

"The answer lies with _my_ question," James replied. "How could you just up and leave like you did?"

"_This isn't about me, James!"_

"You're wrong!" James shouted back, standing up so suddenly that she took an involuntary step back. "This is _entirely_ about you."

"_What? _How can you even—?"

"You come in here, acting like you've been all wronged, but I've got news for you, Lily Evans!" James said angrily, taking a menacing step towards her. "You are not the victim in this situation, and you never were! So quit pretending like you're an injured puppy, and just learn to deal with it!"

"I'm not pretending like I'm an 'injured puppy,' James!" Lily said shakily. "I'm just…hurt and—and horrified that you didn't tell me about her. You—you knew how much she m-meant to me, and you didn't even send a l-letter or _anything_—"

"Oh, you're one to talk!" James spat before he could stop himself. "You walked right out of my life, and did I ever get a letter, Lily? An explanation? _Anything? _No, because you were too fucking scared to admit that you didn't want to be with me!"

"I didn't c-come here to talk about that!" Lily said, but her anger was weaker now, and there were tears building in her eyes.

"Yes, you did!" James said with a strangled sort of laugh. "You don't get it, do you, Lily? You'd rather pretend it's all unconnected than see the truth: _that it's your own fault!"_

"What—what do you mean?" she asked unsteadily, stepping back as he continued to move closer to her.

"What incentive did I have to inform _you_ of my mother's death?" James asked, his voice louder than he had intended it to be. "What _right_ did you have to know about it in the first place?"

"I—I loved your m-mother, James—"

"No, Lily! That isn't true!"

"Of course it's true!" Lily said, horror-struck. "How can you even say that?"

"Because you didn't!" James shouted, and suddenly he was shaking. The sealed place inside of him into which he had stuffed his emotions for the past few months seemed to have ruptured, and he couldn't seem to sew them all away again. "I don't care if you pretend like you ever had feelings for me, but don't you stand there and pretend you loved my mother, Lily! Don't you dare even act like she meant anything to you!"

"But—but of course she m-meant something to me, James!" Lily said, her wide eyes frightened and pleading at once. "She was like a—a mother to me—"

"You're right, she was!" James cut her off, and he was horrified to discover that there was a lump rising in his throat; he stepped away from her at last and stared out of the window, running a distressed hand through his hair. "She _was_ like a mother to you, Lily. Hell, she treated you better than your _own _mother, and how did you repay her?"

"You c-can't keep reflecting what I d-did to _you_ onto her—"

"You still don't get it, do you?" James asked in disbelief, spinning around to face her. "You still think _I'm_ the only person you ran out on five years ago…"

Lily didn't answer. She just stared at him, tears glittering in her eyes; she was biting her lip, and her shaking hands were curled so tightly around her sweater that her knuckles were white.

"I didn't tell you about my mother's death," James said, his voice trembling, "because you didn't deserve to know. You gave up any right you ever had to be concerned about the health or whereabouts of my family when you walked out of our lives without so much as a goodbye."

Again, Lily didn't answer, but she averted her eyes, and James could see tears streaming silently down her face. He felt another twinge of guilt, but he refused to allow it room to grow. Besides, being angry was so much easier than feeling anything else.

After a few moments of absolute silence, Lily suddenly took a deep, shuddering breath and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. She looked back up but didn't quite meet his eyes.

"I, uh…I'm gonna g-go," she said unevenly, her voice slightly nasal. James could see it was taking every bit of strength she had left to stop the flow of tears. He didn't move as she swept past him and left the room, the door closing gently behind her.

For another moment he simply stood there, trying to gather his thoughts and emotions, but they were far too scattered. Eventually, he came to himself and sank back down onto the bed where he stared up at the ceiling, too overwhelmed to find sleep.

**Okay so that's done, then.**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Please REVIEW! I love reviews.**

**They're so great.**

**Lillian James**


	12. Author's NoteRead

Hey, all

**Hey, all! I know this is kind of mean, but I have to do it. I'm rewriting this story because, even though some of you might like it, I can't help cringing whenever I think about it. Some memorable scenes will resurface in the new version, but it's going to be quite different. The story, of course, is the same, but it will be told entirely from James's perspective and Lily (hopefully) won't be as much of a cry-baby. We'll see.**

**Sorry about this, but as an 'author' I really can't let my story stand as it is because it's just awful. Don't try to convince me otherwise. I've written the first chapter, and it's now posted. The new title is 'Since You've Been Gone'. My last title also sucked; I almost can't even remember where it came from. This title isn't so amazing, but it does fit. It's subject to change, however. I'll keep you informed. Please don't be too frustrated with me. If you're a writer at all, you must understand my feeling of 'ew' when I look back at what I wrote before.**

**Thanks for your patience—if you choose to give it. ******

**Lillian James**


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